Warren Ellis in the Kitchen

Warren Ellis

If you want some recipes, written like no one but Warren Ellis can do, check out his Experiments in Food post.

A couple choice passages from his Sweet Potatoes and Roasted Garlic Mash:

“Open a bottle of beer…a proper beer, damnit…Pour some down your throat. Now pour some in the tinfoil. A mouthful or so. Spit your mouthful out into the pocket if you’d like. I mean, it’d be disgusting, but the person you’re cooking for will never know, right?”

and:

“Take three sweet potatos and peel them. This is a pain in the arse. Use a small knife and pare off the skin in motions that go away from your body, like Sarah Palin field-dressing a moose.”

or even:

“Once the water’s boiling, fling the bastards in. You can pretend they’re screaming as they hit the boiling water if you like. Try not to let people catch you making the noises.”

He’s one hilarious, angry, usually drunken comic writer.

Tom Colicchio Wants Your Money

Tom Colicchio

Look, I like Top Chef.  It’s one of the only reality shows I actually watch and enjoy.  The other?  Wipeout.  Who doesn’t love seeing people try jumping over ridiculously large balls?  But that’s not the point of this post.  The point is that Tom Colicchio, who seems like a serious, but friendly guy, may be moving into the “full of himself” slash “celebrity douche” chef status with what is supposedly his newest venture (NYT via Gawker):

At a press conference (yes, an actual press conference) this morning, Tom Colicchio unveiled his plans for a new restaurant which, like Brigadoon, will magically appear at designated intervals, then vanish from sight.

It will be called Tom: Tuesday Dinner. But Mr. Colicchio appeared far from sold on the name, at one point saying, “If somebody can think of a better one, I’ll change it.”

The restaurant will probably serve about 80 diners a month, which is almost certain to make this one of the toughest tickets in town. Reservations will be taken by telephone six weeks in advance, and the price of the meal ($150 to $250 depending on the menu) will have to be prepaid with a credit card. Menus will only be announced about a week before each meal; they will be posted on a website, tomtuesdaydinner.com.

I mean, come on!  As if the “underground dinner” experiences weren’t elitest enough, now we have a guy I had some respect for creating a magical, disappearing “restaurant” that will only be open twice a month serving a mere 80 people for a ridiculous price.  As if we needed something like to try and take more of our money in a fairly uncertain economic time.

I call for all the celebrity chefs to create 15 dollar lunch menus to help ease the economic recession, not 150-300 dollar “mystery” dinners to stroke the egos of the few well-to-do asshats who aren’t afraid to toss around money like that.

Hell, for 50 bucks, I’ll have people come over to my apartment once a month and cook them some food, and we’ll even watch a movie while I give them a deep tissue shoulder massage.

Recipe – Kristin’s Totally Original, Not Stolen From Dr. Weil Carrot Cake

I’m slowly being won over to the dark side that is Carrot Cake.  It used to be my least favorite “cake” around.  I don’t like healthy things in my desserts.  It’s a sin against nature.  But my friend and coworker Kristin introduced me to a way I think I can live with even actually making my own loaf or two.

This recipe comes from Dr. Weil, who I was told I needed to make sure was credited if I was going to post this on TBIS.  So, there you go.  Dr. Weil.  He makes a mean carrot cake.  But Kristin adds a nice little twist that I think should be shared.  My biggest problem with carrot cake was always the texture.  I never liked biting into the shredded carrot.  It reminded me too much of coconut.  I have issues with that texture.  It makes my skin crawl.  Well, it turns out that Kristin feels much the same way.  So, instead of shredding the carrot, she slices it in the food processor and then mulches the everloving hell of that vegetable until she has some finely minced carrot goo.

The secret is in the goo.  You get the flavor of carrot cake without the hell in your mouth texture of the shredded carrot.

And now, Kristin/Dr. Weil:

Carrot cake is a perennial favorite, but it is often loaded with vegetable oil and laden with a cream cheese frosting. Our version is healthier, using a small amount of olive oil, a full cup of honey for moistness and flavor, and a combination of whole wheat pastry and unbleached flours. The crunchy walnuts even add a bit of omega-3 fats to this sweet treat. With a cup of hot green tea, this cake will make you forget about cream cheese frosting. Enjoy!

Ingredients

2 cups firmly packed finely grated carrots
Juice of 1 large orange
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/4 cup light olive oil
1 cup honey, liquefied in microwave (30 seconds)
1/2 cup crushed or chopped pineapple, drained
1 cup unbleached white flour
1 1/2 cups whole-wheat pastry flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
3/4 cup walnuts, chopped

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.

2. In a mixing bowl, stir together the carrots, orange juice, vanilla, olive oil, honey, and pineapple until well blended.

3. In another bowl, stir together the flours, baking soda, and spices. Mix in the walnuts.

4. Blend the dry ingredients into the carrot mixture, stirring until just mixed.

5. Pour the batter into a nonstick 8-inch-square baking pan and bake for 45-60 minutes until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean. Remove from oven, let cool slightly, and remove from pan.

Yeast Baby!

I’ve finally done it.  I’ve created my very own sourdough-starting yeast baby.  I promised myself that it would be one of the first things I did once we got situated in the apartment, and true to my word I tossed some flour, water and sugar together to see what would happen.

Days 1 & 2 were fairly uneventful.  Alton Brown’s (ugh) baking book mentioned it would be at least 3 days before anything started happening.  And as much as I loathe the guy, he knows his stuff:

Sourdough Starter Day 3

But it was day four when the fun really started.  And by fun I mean bubbling madness and the very particular smell that sourdough provides.  I love it.  The middle school science nerd in me just sits there watching it bubble, while the 32-year-old bread nerd in me can’t wait to foster that thing for years to come.  And I’m really interested in trying to make my own sourdough bread, possibly even trying a variation on the pretzel bread.

Sourdough Starter Day 4

As it continues to grow, I’ll post more photos.  Katie says we should name it, so if anyone has any recommendations, let me know.  This yeast baby *feels* like a girl, but all names are welcome.

Recipe – Quick ‘n’ Easy Soy-Rizo Paella

Soy-Rizo Paella

I never heard of Donna Hay Magazine until this very weekend.  And the quick perusal of it at the local Border’s is probably the closest I’ll come to seeing it again.  As interesting as Donna Hay was, at 90 dollars for a 6 issue subscription, that’s out of the price range of pretty much everyone I know.  Yes, I know it’s from Australia, but still.  Daaaaaaaamn.  NINETY DOLLARS.

That being said, the recipe I wrote down from it before shelving it for the next poor cook to drool over, turned out to be pretty damn tasty with a couple vegetarian substitutions.

I’ve been trying to use the rest of the soy-rizo I bought last weekend in everything I can.  I’ve had quesadillas and scrambled eggs and chorizo, so it was down to some tacos or a new recipe.  And that’s where Donna Hay came in to save the day.

In this version of the recipe, I used crushed coriander instead of fresh, and goat cheese instead of feta.  Using goat cheese, you get a much creamier paella that has the bite of goat cheese.  If you want to use fresh coriander, replace the 1/8 cup of crushed with 1/2 cup of fresh.

Soy-Rizo Paella

1 Tbsp Olive Oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 onion, chopped
1 soy-rizo sausage, crumbled
1 cup medium-grain rice
2 cups vegetable stock
1 15 oz can diced tomatoes
1/8 cup crushed or 1/2 cup coriander (cilantro leaves)
100 g goat cheese, crumbled.

Heat the oil in a large, deep frying pan over high heat.  Add the garlic, onions and chorizo and cook for 4-5 minutes until browned.  Add the rice, stock and tomato, cover, reduce heat to low and cook for a further 15 minutes or until stock is absorbed and rice is al dente.  Stir through the coriander and feta to serve.

Serves 2 very healthy portions.

Recipe – Vegetarian Fiesta Con Queso Soup

Photo courtesy of Biggest Menu

Fans of Panera soup may recognize this soup. Every other year or so, around the fall season/Chrismas time, Panera unleashes what is easily their best soup ever. You heard me right. EVER. Ask around. Ask the people I spent 6 months working with, enslaved inside the Christmas Around The Mall store, where it was ALWAYS Christmas. Even well into the middle of January, there we were wishing everyone a Merry Christmas.

And if you think the bargain hunting BEFORE Christmas was bad, you never saw the people wondering if the 5 dollar ornament that was already 75% off was going to drop even further in price.

Although, to be fair, some of my best memories come from that store, and it’s also where Katie and I ultimately ended up becoming a couple. Even if it was much to the chagrin of the other employees.

But Panera’s Fiesta Con Queso soup was our addiction. We were there every day it was offered, sometimes buying 2 or 3 extra bowls to have at home during the week. It was like heroin for cheese junkies. The next winter, they didn’t release the seasonal soup and I made it my goal to find a suitable recipe replacement. Searching around the internet, I finally found a recipe that comes pretty damn close to the original, if not slightly spicier.

This dish may be high in vitamins, but be forewarned; it’s all butter and cheese. This is your daily saturated fat. It may be your weekly saturated fat. But that’s what winter soups are for right?

Fiesta con Queso
8-10 servings/5 quarts

1/8-1/4 cup butter or margarine
1 cup onions, diced
1/2 cup carrots, diced
1/2 cup celery, diced
1 clove garlic, minced
1/3-1/2 cup diced roasted Anaheim chilies (I use 1 medium sized pepper)
4 vegetarian vegetable bouillon cubes (extra lg. cubes)
4 cups hot water
2 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese
4 tablespoons flour
1/2 cup boiling water
1/2 lb sliced good quality American cheese
1 (14 1/2 ounce) can diced tomatoes
1/4-1/3 cup roasted red peppers, julienne then roughly chop
1 (15 ounce) can whole kernel corn, drained
1/4 cup hot sauce
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin

1. Over medium heat melt butter or margarine in a 6 quart stock pot, add onions carrot and celery and saute until onions are transparent and carrots have softened, add garlic toward the end and allow to soften (about 2 minutes), remove from heat.
2. In a blender combine sauted onions, carrots, celery and garlic with roasted anaheim chili, 4 cubes of bouillon and 4 cups of hot water– puree.
3. Return vegetable puree to stock pot and place over medium heat, add both packages of cream cheese stirring until completely blended with vegetable puree.
4. In seperate bowl blend 4 tablespoons of flour with 1/2 cup of the warm cream cheese and vegetable puree mixture to get out lumps then stir in 1/2 cup boiling water, combine with contents of stock pot.
5. While stirring the pot bring contents to a boil.
6. Allow contents to boil while stirring for about 2 minutes then simmer.
7. Add the 1/2 lb of American Cheese a couple of slices at a time until melted.
8. Once cheese is melted incorporate the can of tomoatos (with juice), roasted red pepper, corn, hot sauce, cayenne pepper and cumin.
9. Allow to simmer for at least 1 hour stirring occassionally to prevent burning.
10. Serve and enjoy!

Drink Cola At An Early Age!

Found on Digg

I need a copy of this for our kitchen.  Framed and on the wall.  I love old advertisements, but this may be the best one I’ve seen in years.

How soon is too soon?

Not soon enough. Laboratory tests over the last few years have proven that babies who start drinking soda during that early formative period have a much higher chance of gaining acceptance and “fitting in” during those awkward pre-teen and teen years. So, do yourself a favor. Do your child a favor. Start them on a strict regimen of sodas and other sugary carbonated beverages right now, for a lifetime of guaranteed happiness.

The Soda Pop Board of America

1515 W. Hart Ave. – Chicago, ILL.

- Promotes Active Lifestyle!

- Boosts Personality!

- Gives body essential sugars.

P.S. Yes, I know it’s most likely a fake.  The misspelling of guarantee and the reverse image of a Coke bottle are pretty dead giveaways, but it’s still damn funny.

Disturbing Restaurants Abroad

I have to share this before I go to bed.

Crack.com’s 8 Most Terrifying Restaurants.

Hot Beef Sundae

Hot Beef Sundae

Never let your parents tell you again that you can’t have dessert for dinner!  Thank you Nebraska for cracking the code and making the world safe dessert dinner eaters.

What comes in a Hot Beef Sundae?  Glad you asked:

Golden mashed potatoes covered with a generous portion of our roasted and seasoned-to-perfection top round beef.  Then aged cheddar cheese, more golden mashed potatoes smothered with our special beef gravy, more aged cheddar cheese, a slice of buttered toast, and a cherry tomato on top.

Oh yeah.  Soak it in America.

Little Gordon Returns

Little Gordon Ramsay

Little Gordon Ramsay returns!  This time he brings his adorably foul mouth to the school cafeteria to go after the substandard sausages being offered up at the school.

Click on Little Gordon to be taken to the new video.