Doritos: The Quest – New Mystery Flavor

I walked into 7-11 yesterday and did my normal stroll around the candy and chip aisle when I discovered something so terrifying that I knew that I had to buy them.

Doritos is at it again. Another mystery bag. Another mystery flavor. The catch? This time, the flavor is just the beginning. So, unlike last time when the flavor felt like one last cruel joke that life was playing on you before your personal end, they’re practically telling you what the flavor is if you go to the website on the front of the bag (www.snackstrongproductions.com).

No, the big deal this time is not become a flavor taster for the company. This time you have a chance to win $100,000. They’ve set up a Myst-like puzzle game at the website. Currently, only the first chapter is unlocked for play. It looks like the next chapter will be unlocked at midnight on Memorial Day. The cool thing about the contest is you actually can see how many people have made it as far as you have. When my good friend Chris and I finished the end of chapter one, it told us we were the 1700 or so person to make it this far. At the beginning, we were just one in a Dorito army over 4K strong.

The quest appears much harder than they are. Or, more likely, I tend to over think things. By the time the last puzzle came up, a drawing full of squares, triangles, and numbers, I was trying to figure out the values of missing angles and line lengths. Over a decade in honors and advanced placement classes will do that to a brain. I’ve been trained to look for the deepest answer possible. I tend to forgot Dr. House’s number one rule: Occam’s Razor. Wait. That’s his number two rule. His number one rule is everybody lies.

Occam’s Razor basically says, the simplest answer is usually the correct one. And I’m sure he’d be glad to know that his theory holds true, even against such modern technology as a Doritos flash based web site. A life’s work to solve a game about corn chips. That’s exactly what he was hoping for, I’m sure.

The games are basically variances of Simon, Mastermind, and code breaking. There’s no math involved. Keep it simple!

But more important than $100,000 is, “How did the chips taste? What’s the magical flavor? Did they make a nice Potato Salad Dorito to go along with their ass-tastic Cheeseburger debacle X-13D?”

Well, yes and no. The flavor definitely isn’t as out there as those X-13D chips I wrote about oh so long ago. But, in the scheme of things, it does make a nice companion piece to those Cheeseburger chips. Upon opening the bag, the initial smell taste revealed little. They smelled like Cool Ranch Doritos. But once you taste them, it’s like someone threw an entire lime at your face. There was no denying the citrus on these corn chips.

We originally decided that they were obviously margarita Doritos, or Margaritos as we coined them. But, we were quite wrong. Heading over to the Quest website, we were told to enter our guess into the cryptex on the screen. We tried margarita to no avail. Lemon lime? Nope. But then we noticed the hint at the top of the screen was spelling out the flavor for us.

The answer? Moutain Dew.

Yes. That’s right. Soak it in. Somewhere deep within the earth’s crust are scientists who are no creating hybrid snack foods. Chips are being bred with soda. Nature is crying. Up next? Chili Cheese Frito Sierra Mist.

YUM.

But, here’s the thing. They’re not that bad. They taste NOTHING like Mountain Dew. I don’t remember Mountain Dew carrying an over-the-top lime flavor. This tasted more like the margarita cupcakes I made a few weeks ago. But they’re not bad. They’re definitely better than the corn chips that come with just a hint of lime. But, the flavor also wears off quickly. By the time you take your last bite of a chip, there’s no flavor left. On the upside, if you’ve ever wanted to taste a naked Dorito, now is your chance. It turns out they taste like bland corn chips!

In this case, the flavor is just the beginning. It led to a fairly fun time waster for when you’re waiting for work to come in. What are the chances that you’ll win the $100K? Not good. They mention something about the first THREE people to get to the end will be given the golden idol to continue.

Maybe the rest of us will become flavor taster scientists so we can tell them to stop creating sins against nature.

**NOTE – Burger King is filling your hamburger chip void!**

Jose Andres on Conan O’Brien

It’s baaaaaaaack. I’ve embedded the video of the segment below.

Jose Andres, another student of Ferran Adria, appeared on Late Night with Conan O’Brien Tuesday evening. Not only do they make a “Heart in the Clouds” drink, a.k.a. The Conando, but I think they may have fallen in love.

**UPDATE**

I’ve copied down the ingredients for the drink; however, I’m guessing as to if these are the proper portions. I can only recommend playing around with it and finding what you like.

“Heart in the Clouds”, a.k.a. The Conando

• 1/2 cup-1 cup Raspberry Puree (depending on how many drinks your making)
• 2 grams Alginate
• 7 oz Water
• 1 package of Cotton Candy
• Ice
• 1 cup Cava (Sparkling wine)
• 1 cup Raspberry Vodka
• 1 Tbsp Rose Water
• 1 Tbsp Vanilla Syrup
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1/8 cup Dried Raspberries, finely chopped

In a small bowl mix the alginate into the water, stirring well. Let sit to remove air bubbles. Take a teaspoonful of the raspberry puree and gently pour it into the alginate mixture. The raspberry should form into a small ball.

Mix the sugar and dried raspberries onto a plate, making sure the pile is as big as the lip of your martini glass.

To prepare the martini glass, wet the lip in water and dip into the sugar/raspberry mixture. Using a slotted spoon, fish one of the “hearts” out of the alginate, letting the excess liquid drain before placing in the bottom of the glass. Grab a small handful of cotton candy and place directly above the “heart.”

Fill your 20 oz. cocktail mixer halfway with ice. Add the raspberry vodka, rose water, and vanilla syrup. Shake well. Open the mixer and add the Cava. Replace the strainer and pour the finished drink over the cotton candy tableside to impress your friends and loved ones.

Makes 1-2 drinks (maybe?)

Thanks Chef Andres!

**UPDATE 2**

You can also watch Jose’s segment on Conan over on the NBC site. Just choose February 12′s full episode and click on Jose’s segment.

Thank You, Come Again

In case some of you haven’t heard, there’s a small indie film coming out at the end of the month called The Simpsons Movie.  I don’t know if it has much of a fan base or not.  But, who’s to say what America will like.

I kid of course.  Everyone has to know that the movie based on America’s longest running prime-time cartoon is coming out in a mere few weeks.  And in conjunction with Fox, 7-11 is turning into the Kwik-E-Mart for the month of July.  You’ll be able to find Squishees, Buzz Cola, and all your other favorites in the aisles of your local 7-11.  12 stores are actually being redone completely to look like the cartoon landmark.

I hadn’t realized the transformation was already underway until I stopped in at MY local 7-11 this weekend.  Checking out the Slurpees as I’m wont to do, I discovered I was instead looking at a brand-spankin’ new Squishee machine.  Most of the flavors were the same, save for the Blue Woo-Hoo Vanilla, featuring everyone’s favorite Homer.  The taste wasn’t really my thing, as it was a little TOO heavy on the artificial vanilla flavor for me.

Also changed was the beverage machine, now a Buzz Cola machine.  I was disappointed, because Buzz Cola isn’t actually on tap, at least not at my store.  That seemed like a no brainer to me, but what do I know.  Upon a return visit I noticed they also changed the donut and hot dog signs.  The donut display had a warning to make sure you knew that a twizzler was NOT a sprinkle, along with several other friendly reminders.

My best find though was the box of Frosted KrustyOs and a six-pack of Buzz Cola.  I shouldn’t be shocked that they look just like their cartoon counterparts, but it’s still a little cool to see something I’ve seen on screen for nearly 2 decades sitting there on the shelf.  Needless to say I bought both of them.

I haven’t tried the cola yet, but I’m quite fond of the KrustyOs.  They’re exactly like Fruit Loops, except less sweet.  They’re a great snack.  I actually prefer them as a snack to a cereal, to be honest.

I’ll report back when I get to the cola, but I have to say, this has been some of my favorite marketing for a movie in a long, long time.

Jackie Chan’s XGT Energy Drink

This one took me by surprise.  The last thing I was expecting when I walked into Walgreen’s on Friday was to see Jackie Chan’s face staring at me from a sample pack of powdered energy drink.  For 99 cents, I quickly grabbed a pack to see if the energy drink could live up to the star of Asian action films.  Would I become a Drunken Master?  Or would I feel like I was run over during Rush Hour?  Or maybe I would be…uh…(insert Shanghai Knights joke here).

The flavor is a weird combination to say the least.  It’s a green tea flavored with “natural” raspberry flavor.  Making it extra tempting for me though, since I’m basically barely awake 80% of the day, was that it included Ginseng, B Vitamins, and Taurine.  It’s like all the benefits of bull’s bile in powdered form!  It goes perfectly with my Tiger Penis soup!

But seriously, it’s not bad for a powdered drink.  I find most of them a little too sugary for my tastes.  I usually need more than the 16 oz. of water they call for to make it feel like I’m not a 10 year old pouring sugar into his glass of Kool-Aid.  But these are closer to drinking actual tea (without all the benefits I’m sure).  I’d actually like a box of these to keep on hand around the office.  I’d prefer these to Mountain Dew or RockStar Energy Drink, which I’m convinced are eating away at my liver.

I was hoping to make a joke about “Jackie Chan partying in my mouth” but I figured with the double whammy of tasteless jokes in my Wrigley’s post, I’ve hit my quota for the day.

Vanilla Coke Zero

In honor of the release of Vanilla Coke Zero, I have written a haiku:

No Longer

Remember a taste
Vanilla, it did abound
But now, only ass

Jolly Rancher Cinnamon Cherry Fire

Wandering a 7-11 at 12:30 am, already dealing with an unnatural Cheetos craving is not the best time to fight with your will power. You’ll almost inevitably lose, as was the case last Thursday when I picked up a bottle of the new limited edition Jolly Rancher Cinnamon Cherry Fire soda. I hate fiery cinnamon. I know this. I KNOW this. I cringe at seeming rude when I constantly refuse a piece of Big Red. The mere idea of Red Hots disgust me. Yet I was putting $1.49(!!!) down on my debit card for the newest drink on the market.

“Maybe it will taste more like cinnamon sugar.” I told myself.

This line of thought somehow lead me to the idea that I’d be drinking 16 ounces of French Toast soda, an idea that even disgusts me (although I’d still try it).

At the worst, I figured Katie would probably like it. She loves the spicy cinnamon! She’s craaazy!

After the debacle that was the Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Crème, maybe I was setting myself up for another failure. I’m not going to lie; my impulse shopping has lead to some horrible purchases. But here’s the kicker, I kinda liked it. Don’t get me wrong, it tastes exactly like the name. It’s like drinking Big Red or Red Hots, but carbonated and chilled to refrigerated tastiness.

It’s also a lighter drink than I was expecting. It’s definitely not as sweet as some of the other Jolly Rancher sodas, which seemed to rot my teeth with every tiny sip. It’s also lighter fare than a typical cola, yet heavier than your Sprites or Sierra Mists. Even after several sips I found myself still enjoying it, even if my brain was screaming at me to stop drinking something I shouldn’t be enjoying. It also does that when I drink a pina colada, if though I know I hate coconut. Would I buy more of Cinnamon Cherry Fire? Probably not, because ultimately it’s a CINNAMON SODA. And cinnamon without sugar is still rather gross to me. I’ll keep my cinnamon on my French toast and cinnamon rolls, thankyouverymuch.

If you’re reading this review hoping for a return visit from my spirit animal, the handsy octopus, you’ll be disappointed. There were no visions of that midnight molester. Maybe he’s taking the week off. Or maybe he’s warning someone of my idea to create a French Toast soda. I wonder if Jones Soda is hiring?

K80’s take:
Katie quite liked it. She said the best part was that it was spicy yet cool, which shocked and tickled the taste buds.

Pepsi Jazz Caramel Creme

Is there a “Stages of Grief” for beverage purchases? There should be. Having some time, I think I’ll invent some for my recent impulse purchase: Pepsi Jazz Caramel Creme.

1. Confusion
2. Enjoyment
3. Denial
4. Bloating
5. Nausea
   1. Fever Dreams

Stage 1: Confusion
I’ve had some foul drinks in my time. I mean foul. I’ve downed immunity boosting sodas, Sobe’s Green Tea Energy Drink (still the champ), and even the Jolly Rancher soda. So, I’m not afraid to try things that may ultimately shorten my life span. I live life on the edge. The impulsive, life-shortening, stomach-churning, edge.

When I saw the Caramel Creme soda on the shelves of my local Walgreens, I knew I had to try it. When I read about it last week, I predicted that it would be as disgusting as the old Canfield’s Chocolate Soda. I *KNEW* this. It *COULDN’T* taste good. Creme soda, for me, is barely drinkable as is. Why would imitation caramel flavor make it any better? Yet I rushed to that fridge and bought it the first chance I had.

Stage 2: Enjoyment

My first sip probably fits better under confusion than enjoyment. I didn’t know what I was drinking. It didn’t taste like caramel. It didn’t taste like cola. It didn’t taste like creme soda. Instead, it was some bizarre mystery beverage. A few more sips, and I turned to my friend Chris and said, “This isn’t so bad. In fact, I think I like it.” I suckled on that bottle like a baby. Half of it was gone within 10 minutes. Pepsi had won me over with their “Fool your body into thinking you’re eating sweets when you’re really not!” diet drink.

Stage 3: Denial

With 3/4 of the bottle gone, I began to wonder again what I was drinking, but was still convincing myself I was enjoying it. I think I settled on the idea that it tasted like a less-sweeter Coca-Cola, but more…gravier. Soak that in for a second. Who doesn’t love drinking soda flavored gravy? Who doesn’t love gravy flavored soda? (stay tuned for THAT story!) But it was still good dammit! DAMMIT!

Stage 4: Bloating

I don’t feel so good by this point. There’s a few sips left in the bottle, yet I no longer feel the need to ever drink another sip of this concoction that obviously came from the lower depths of hell. There was gas in me. Caramel creme gravy gas. And it wasn’t leaving.

Stage 5: Nausea

I had to reach out for help. I messaged my friend Sabrina to tell her about my mistake. She would understand. The last time I had to lower my head and breathe after a drink was when I took a gulp of Jones Soda’s Buttered Roll soda. It was so bad I didn’t eat for several hours.

Stage 5.1: Fever Dreams

I found my spirit animal that night. It was an octopus. It showed me the things I’ve drank in the past. Each of its arms waving around a different beverage of days gone by. Pepsi Blue. Crystal Pepsi. Holiday Pepsi. They were all there. It was grotesque, yet beautiful. The octopus spoke to me in clicks and whistles, warning me of days yet to come where even more horrifying drinks would quench my thirst. He said the push for crazier, limited edition beverages were just starting.

“Beware the Boston Creme Coke Zero,” he said before pouring himself back into the bottle.

When I woke up, I was halfway down the Stevenson Expressway, my pants and shoes missing.  I’m pretty sure I was molested by my spirit animal.

Conclusion

Yeah it wasn’t good. I’ve had worse drinks, but there’s no one flavor that stands out, leaving a weird potpourri of flavors that taste fine individually, but together form a lethal combination of nauseating blandness. Unless you’re like me, and a slave to consumer impulsiveness, there’s really no reason to spend $1.50.