Cheetos Cheezy Salsa Mix Cheetos

I fully support and approve this new delicious surprise from Cheetos. I look forward to trying their Super Cheezy Mix as well. Good luck finding them though. It took me going to a Downer’s Grove suburb to find them at the Jewel there. I haven’t seen them anywhere in Chicago.

*Update* Just found them at a local CVS, so they do exist within the city proper.

Midnight Snack – “Fried” Cheese Sticks

In case you weren’t aware, when you try eating healthier some things are forced to go by the way side. For some people, that’s drinking. For others, sweets.  For us, it’s fried foods. There is no greater treat than biting into the grease pocket of a freshly cooked mozzarella stick or onion ring. To this day, I still miss Red Robin’s cheese sticks now that we’ve moved to the city.

It’s been a goal of mine to try and find some type of equivalent that wouldn’t also destroy our goal of losing weight before our wedding next year.  And needless to say, it’s not all that easy. My first attempt was a resounding disaster, using a Weight Watchers recipe that relied on using brown mustard to coat the mozzarella sticks.  The result was a gooey mess that tasted more like mustard cheese than a cheese stick.

But then I stumbled onto this recipe from The Hungry Girl while flipping through her book one day at the local Borders.  Tucked in between recipes for a substitute for Carl Jr’s Cap’n Crunch Milkshake and other “healthy” alternatives I figured it couldn’t hurt to try it.  I mean, I already destroyed a perfectly good block of cheese with the weight watchers recipe, what was one more possible recipe fail?

And you know what, nothing will replace the perfection that is deep fried cheese. It’s not possible.  Saturated fat fried in more saturated fat is not a flavor easily replaced.  But this recipe does a pretty good job.  It retains the saltiness and the crunchiness along with the all important cheesiness.  At less than 200 calories for a single serving of 4 cheese sticks, it’s a pretty quick and easy snack.

“Healthy” Mozzarella Cheese Sticks

Ingredients

• 2 pieces light or reduced fat string cheese
• ½ Fiber One Cereal or Panko Bread Crumbs
• ¼ tsp salt
• ¼ tsp black pepper
• ½ tsp parsley
• 1 tsp oregano
• ¼ tsp granulated garlic
• 3 Tbsp Egg Beaters
• low fat marinara sauce (optional)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. If using Fiber One, grind in a processer to a breadcrumb consistency (if using panko, skip this step).  Put the breadcrumbs and spices into a plastic bag and shake to mix.

Cut string cheese in half so you have 4 sticks.  Place cheese sticks in a bowl with the Egg Beaters, swirling to cover.  Transfer to the bag with the crumbs and shake to cover completely. Repeat the process of dipping the cheese sticks in the Egg Beaters and then the breadcrumbs 2 more times or until completely coated.
 
Spray a baking sheet lightly with nonstick spray. Place the cheese sticks on the sheet and lightly spritz with the nonstick spray. Bake for 10 minutes, or until the cheese just starts to ooze.

Serve immediately with the marinara.

Cheetos GIANT

I love Cheetos.  I’ve waxed poetic about them time and time and time again.  It is, without a doubt, my all time favorite snack food.  When I started seeing the commercials for the new GIANT Cheetos, I went on a search for them that envied my current search for Pepsi Throwback.  Well, at least I found the GIANT Cheetos.  Although, to be honest I should probably reserve the all-caps version of GIANT for when I find the GIANT Cheeto that Gizmodo was gifted with.  Or does that quantify GIANT-ASS CHEETO?  And is it weird that I still want to make way through that block of styrofoam-like corn substance?

Until that time, I’ll have to make do with silver dollar sized Cheetos instead.  Guess what?  They taste like Cheetos.  Well, to be fair, they taste more like Cheetos Cheese Puffs, with just a little more initial biting needed.

What makes them worth purchasing?  Well at 59 cents, they’re only 80 calories.  Sure 50% of those calories come from fat, but for a Cheetos-holic like myself, that’s still better than going through an entire bag of Cheetos in one sitting.  After the orange dust has settled, you still get your fix without the post-cheese guilt.  Unless you buy two or three or possibly four of these packages because you feel the 5 Cheetos they provide you is merely a tease for a bigger bag.  I’m happy to say I was not one of those people…this time.

I can’t say the GIANT-ASS CHEETO and it’s cheesy brethren will be so lucky if I find them.

Late Night Doritos: A Pale Imitation

Having never really, truly had one of those nights that involved many bars followed by a devil need for something either, or preferably both, greasy and fatty, I can’t say I truly appreciate the late night food run to the biggest hole-in-the-wall in the area.

Hell, if I’m being completely honest, I’ve only been drunk once in my entire life.  Sure I’ve been warm and fuzzy, but there was only one instance way back in May of 2001 that I truly enjoyed wondering why I couldn’t stand up, or when I laid down when my body would stop rotating around my head.  I was trying to drink away the inevitable second opinion of my Multiple Sclerosis, but I learned I’d rather have a neurological disease than deal with the effects of alcohol.

I can appreciate good, cheap Mexican food though.  And these new Late Night Doritos chips may taste of a taco or a jalapeno popper, but they are a pale imitation to the real thing.  Where’s the fun of getting the taste of a jalapeno popper without the scars of a burnt tongue caused by the cream cheese napalm?  And very few things can replace the crunch of a fresh taco shell, followed by it falling apart on your plate.  They are integral experiences to the food!

Instead, what you get are Doritos covered in what tastes like generic taco meat seasoning or jalapeno dust with a slight hint of dairy.  If I had to choose between the two I’d recommend the Late Night Tacos at Midnight over the Late Night Last Call Jalapeno Poppers for the singular reason that the Taco chips actually retain their taste.  After a handful of the popper chips my mouth adjusted to the pepper and I was left with the very average corn chip that is the base for all Doritos.  They’re not bad, and better than the fiascos that were Hamburger or Mountain Dew Doritos.

Although, maybe if I was drunk I’d enjoy them more.

Hot Beef Sundae

Hot Beef Sundae

Never let your parents tell you again that you can’t have dessert for dinner!  Thank you Nebraska for cracking the code and making the world safe dessert dinner eaters.

What comes in a Hot Beef Sundae?  Glad you asked:

Golden mashed potatoes covered with a generous portion of our roasted and seasoned-to-perfection top round beef.  Then aged cheddar cheese, more golden mashed potatoes smothered with our special beef gravy, more aged cheddar cheese, a slice of buttered toast, and a cherry tomato on top.

Oh yeah.  Soak it in America.

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Crackers

Kraft Mac n Cheese Crackers

*UPDATE* – I had a second bag of the crackers, and they were definitely more crackery.  While still not my favorite cheesy cracker combo, I would actually rank them higher than the original Cheez-It’s.  Apparently I don’t hate them that much, since I just finished off an entire box for “dinner” yesterday.

Is it somehow possible for a cracker to be both crunchy AND chewy, as if it just spent the entire day in a sauna with a bunch of old business tycoons?

I ask this because that’s exactly the experience I had today when I finally tried the Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Crackers.  Maybe the little snack pack I tried was a faulty batch, but damn if it wasn’t one of the grossest experiences of my life.  It was as if someone had powdered stale oyster crackers with the “magical yellow cheese powder” of our youths.

I have a couple more snack packs, so I’ll definitely be eating them a second (and third) time.  Maybe if I wish REAL hard or pray to the Cheesasaurus Rex, my second experience will be better than my first.

But if not these definitely fall to the bottom of cheese-flavored cracker list, right under the original Cheez-Its.  No one has come close to dethroning the Cheez-It Twisterz for the heroin-like grasp they have over me.

As an aside, does anyone else find the commercial for the actual crackers a little weird?  I mean, eat a cracker and get blasted by a golden shower of cheese?  Um.  Ew.

Limited Edition Rockin Nut Road Snickers

Limited Edition Rockin Nut Road Snickers

It wasn’t a good idea, nor did I think it was a good idea, but I grabbed one of the new Limited Edition Rockin Nut Road Snickers that I recently saw popping up at the local Walgreens (on sale 2 for a $1 this week!).  Why wasn’t it a good idea?  Because nothing, NOTHING, should be artificially flavored to taste like marshmallow.  If you want something to taste like marshmallow, use some effin’ marshmallow.  Nougat that’s been changed by some blood pact with Satan to taste only vaguely like marshmallow is a sin against nature.

Needless to say I wasn’t a huge fan of this candy bar.  The nougat was at times too chewy for its own good, the bar I bought barely had any caramel in it, and the normal peanuts of the Snickers shouldn’t have been replaced by the almonds, because they only added a third layer of touch-to-chew satisfaction to the equation.

Also?  20 minutes after eating it, not only did my breath still remind me what I just ate, but my stomach was also less than pleased with its contents.  Maybe if you’re REALLY into rocky road, this is a candy bar for you, but I’ll stick to the regular nougaty, caramelly goodness of the original Snickers, because in this case, they really do satisfy more than the new Limited Edition flavors.

Episode 8: Gods, Peanut Butter & Bagels

The most opinionated, least researched show about Chicago, her suburbs, and her culture.

This week, can Mike & Katie convince themselves that anything involving the words peanut butter and cream cheese is healthy? Could it be true? Did out mothers like Gale Gand’s delicious Tru edibles? We announce the next film in the Two Bites In Suburbia Dinner Series. All this, and get your breakfast bagel fix in easy to swallow cracker form! This is episode 8 of Two Bites in Suburbia, and the future is now!

Links

• Two Bites in Suburbia Movie Series: God of Cookery

• Bacon, Egg & Cheese Combos

• Tru

• Mother’s Day @ Tru

• Peanut Butter Cookie Pie

E-mail us: twobitesinsuburbia@gmail.com

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Breakfast in Cracker Form? Bacon, Egg & Cheese Combos!

We make jokes about how foods that shouldn’t necessarily be mixed together fairly often on Two Bites.  I’m a firm believer that we do not need potato chips that taste like hamburgers or tortilla chips that taste like Mountain Dew.  Of course I’ll try a majority of them, but that doesn’t mean that I think they should actually exist in real space.  They should exist in our jokes and in the theories and dreams of INCREDIBLY high college kids.

But, alas, I am in the minority.  I must be, because otherwise things like Bacon, Egg & Cheese Combos wouldn’t be on the market.  But they are.  So I am.

I’ve only seen these at my local 7-11 so far, so I cannot guarantee that the more adventurous people out there will find them at their local convenience and/or grocery stores.  I CAN guarantee that if you eat an entire bag in one sitting, you will have the overwhelming aftertaste of dirty feet taking up a place in your mouth.

And yet, I can’t necessarily tell you not to buy these.  Because they are oddly addicting.  Disturbingly, disturbingly addicting.  They’re not bad.  But they’re not good.

They’re just weird.

A small sampling of a half dozen coworkers resulted in the very same conclusion.  “They’re just weird.”

Vegetarians need not worry, because aside from cheese, I don’t think there’s a natural (read Bacon) ingredient in these crackers.  Yet somehow, in some sin against nature herself, they taste exactly like a Dunkin’ Donuts breakfast bagel.  It doesn’t hit you at first, most likely because when you open the bag they smell overwhelmingly like cat food.  But once you pop a few of these breakfast sandwiches of the future into your mouth, you’ll be remiss to disagree.  The bacon flavor is surprisingly subtle, and while you can’t pick necessarily pick out the egg and cheese flavors, your mind is registering all the flavors that the bag tells you are there.

These are the kind of crackers that bars need to start putting out for people.  It’s the ultimate hangover snack.  You’re getting all the greasy spoon flavor in the tiniest of salty crackers stuffed with a cheese-like substance.  I’m talking to you Chicago holes-in-the-wall, gastropubs, and dive bars.

Other ideas that we’ve come up with?  Mashing these Combos down with a rolling pin and breading, and then deep frying chicken.  Serve these with my Cheetos-covered Potato Chips, and life as you know would explode in a world of flavor unlike any you have ever seen before.

Or maybe that’s your heart exploding from extremely high blood pressure.

Penny Arcade Yells at Kellogg’s

In what may be the funniest food review I’ve personally read this week, Gabe over at Penny Arcade calls Kellogg’s to task for release LEGO shaped fun snacks.

For those who can’t see the image or the text is just too damn small, here’s the quote:

“I would love to know what sick bastard at Kellogs came up with this genius idea. I just spent the first three years of my sons life trying to get him not to eat blocks, and now you’re telling him they taste like fucking strawberries. Thanks a lot assholes. Seriously, how in the hell did this ever get past their legal department. You can’t tell me that this isn’t a lawsuit just waiting to happen. I can only assume that their next product is fruit flavored thumbtacks.”