Why I Can’t Be Vegan – Soy Cheese

In my early days of going vegetarian, I briefly flirted with the idea of just dropping all animal products and trying out veganism. I figured I was able to cut out red meat, chicken and fish pretty much (I realize now I just painted myself into a painful pun corner) cold turkey. Here is what I’ve learned: I can never be a vegan. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the animal rights fire burning within, or maybe I realized it just wasn’t cost effective for me to, at the time, make nearly everything by hand. I lived in an age before vegan options regularly appeared on menus. I was a broke student. It just wasn’t going to happen.

flickr.com / via boojee

But now I realize, at my age where I COULD afford it, I don’t want to be a vegan because I would miss cheese too damn much. And no, soy cheese is not a good substitution. Soy cheese is like getting some cheap knockoff shoes while your friends have the real brands, and your parents keep trying to convince you that your shoes are just as good. No mom and dad, Pro-Wings are not as good as Reebok and Nike, and the fact I was ostracized by my 4th grade class proved this.

And before anyone makes a snide remark that maybe it was my personality, of COURSE it was my personality. But we all had defective personalities, we were honors students. I’m surprised we knew how to interact with each other.

I’ve given soy cheese a chance several times over the years. But I bring it up now because we’ve come a long way from the early days of veggie substitutes. Ian’s Pizza in Wrigleyville (of the mac ‘n cheese pizza fame) now offers a vegan night every Thursday.  It’s a great idea, and really shows just how far some restaurants have come to make sure their customers are happy. We rushed over there the first Thursday it was available even though I remembered well my disdain of the fake cheese. What can I say, I’m either an optimist or a glutton for punishment. The veggie pepperoni on the slice I got was delicious; not really pepperoni, but just as spicy. Their crust was light, fluffy and crispy as usual. But the cheese sat there barely melted, looking at it’s fat-filled, perfectly melted cousin. Katie’s slice, the cheese wasn’t melted at all.

This week I stopped at Whole Foods (preparing for Chicago’s #SNOMG) to see Tofurky has released their own vegan pizzas. I bought one, naturally, my experience with soy cheese at Ian’s already forgotten. Too lazy to cook I heated it up last night and ran into the same results. Not only was there not enough soy-cheese on it, but again, it sat under the pepperoni only slightly melted.

Also for 8 bucks? That is a ridiculously small pizza. Shame on Tofurky, or Whole Foods, or both of you.

And that’s why soy cheese will never replace the real thing. You don’t get the visceral joy of cheese forming strings from the pizza to your mouth. You’ll never have a stuffed soy cheese pizza because there’s no way you’d get that sight of cheese oozing out the sides. And we all know the cheese oozing out the sides is the best part of stuffed pizza. It’s why we steal it from other slices.

I’m glad that vegans have an option for a pizza replacement, but until they get a fake cheese to mimic the beautiful, stringy, melty, creamy deliciousness that is real cheese, I can never, ever be vegan.

P.S. This argument also applies to butter.

Hello Reddit Visitors!

I wanted to welcome all the people clicking on the Reddit link to my page.  Hello.  How do you do.  Hopefully you’ll find some other things around here that will keep you interested.  If not, thanks for visiting!

Warren Ellis in the Kitchen

Warren Ellis

If you want some recipes, written like no one but Warren Ellis can do, check out his Experiments in Food post.

A couple choice passages from his Sweet Potatoes and Roasted Garlic Mash:

“Open a bottle of beer…a proper beer, damnit…Pour some down your throat. Now pour some in the tinfoil. A mouthful or so. Spit your mouthful out into the pocket if you’d like. I mean, it’d be disgusting, but the person you’re cooking for will never know, right?”

and:

“Take three sweet potatos and peel them. This is a pain in the arse. Use a small knife and pare off the skin in motions that go away from your body, like Sarah Palin field-dressing a moose.”

or even:

“Once the water’s boiling, fling the bastards in. You can pretend they’re screaming as they hit the boiling water if you like. Try not to let people catch you making the noises.”

He’s one hilarious, angry, usually drunken comic writer.

Hot Beef Sundae

Hot Beef Sundae

Never let your parents tell you again that you can’t have dessert for dinner!  Thank you Nebraska for cracking the code and making the world safe dessert dinner eaters.

What comes in a Hot Beef Sundae?  Glad you asked:

Golden mashed potatoes covered with a generous portion of our roasted and seasoned-to-perfection top round beef.  Then aged cheddar cheese, more golden mashed potatoes smothered with our special beef gravy, more aged cheddar cheese, a slice of buttered toast, and a cherry tomato on top.

Oh yeah.  Soak it in America.

Little Gordon Returns

Little Gordon Ramsay

Little Gordon Ramsay returns!  This time he brings his adorably foul mouth to the school cafeteria to go after the substandard sausages being offered up at the school.

Click on Little Gordon to be taken to the new video.

Ortega Tacos’ Unintentionally Perverse Shawn Johnson Ad

I can’t tell if the people at Ortega honestly didn’t realize what they were getting a 16-year-old girl to say, or if this is some of the smartest, most subversive, sex-sells advertising I’ve seen since Joe Camel’s Penis Nose.

Pushing Daisies Pie Hole Tour

Pushing Daisies

When I’m not pretending to be an expert baker, my other hobby is definitely television.  Although, honestly, the writers’ strike did indeed put a bit of a kibosh on my enjoyment of the medium.  Where as before I would make sure to watch every new show that fall threw at us, now I’m picking and choosing what gets my time.  Of course, I tend to pick the dark horses, ignoring Life to watch Journeyman.  Or picking Threshold over the other alien invasion shows of the season.  Good thing I spent 14 hours watching those shows!

But one show that did live up to the hype and survived the writers’ strike was Pushing Daisies, a “fanciful” comedy on ABC that reminds me of a fairy tale set in the Edward Scissorhands/Big Fish imaginationland of Tim Burton.  It follows the story of a piemaker who learns he can bring the dead back to life with a single touch and with another touch bring back the icy grip of death.  He learns the hard way one day that if he doesn’t touch the person again, they may live, but someone else will have to die.

Yeah, it sounds nice and morbid.  So of course I liked it.  But it’s so much more than the morbid setup that makes the show work.  It’s the actors working so well together.  It’s Chi McBride being Chi McBride.  And it’s just such a….good show.

To promote the new season, ABC has created a mobile version of The Pie Hole of the series and will be bringing it around the country.  They’ll be dishing out free stuff, free pie, and free fun.  It’s a win, win, win situation.  I doubt the cast will actually be driving cross country with the The Pie Hole, but it’ll still be fun to possibly get a Pushing Daisies pie plate or something similar.

Foodies For Obama

Foodies For Obama

Love food?  Love Obama?  Join the Facebook Group “Foodies for Obama.”  We all know I loathe the term foodie, but I was browsing around the interwebs to see if I could find any Obama related food bits, and had to share this link with other democratic politico types.

We also learn in a New York Times piece (via Obama’s webpage) that he’s a fan of the Honest Tea:

“…when it comes to food, Senator Obama “eats pretty much anything, from chicken wings and barbecue and ribs to grilled fish and steamed broccoli.” But when he is campaigning in a small town with limited options, a cheeseburger is always a good bet. (“Cheddar is the cheese of choice,” Mr. Love added.)

He knows that “the boss,” as he calls Mr. Obama, likes MET-Rx chocolate roasted-peanut protein bars and bottles of a hard-to-find organic brew — Black Forest Berry Honest Tea. He keeps a supply of both on hand.”

The only downside to all this food talk?  Turns out Obama likes the broccoli.  I hope I can learn to forgive him.

Schweppe – Lombard, IL

Mega Mixer!

Gadget freaks, food lovers, Chicago suburbanites, run, don’t walk to Schweppe out in Lombard.  They’re a restaurant wholesaler that is also open to the public.  We were able to acquire one dozen flatware sets for all of 12 bucks yesterday.  Seriously, how can you beat that?  Sure, they may not look as nice as something you pick up at Williams-Sonoma, but let’s be serious; if you’re paying for a flatware set that serves 4 and costs over $100, the silverware better be able to find its own way to your mouth.

And oh the gadgets, the glorious gadgets.  Get kiboshed the 4-foot whisk I wanted to buy as kitchen direction, but just know that you can buy a FOUR FOOT WHISK.  You can also buy large, metal margarita glasses, along with various foodstuffs. I picked up vegetarian soup bouillion for 4 bucks that I may never need soup bouillion again.

Of course, their main focus is for the actual food industry, so the back room is full of ridiculously large bowls, chafing dishes, stoves, sinks, and the like.  But, the entire front of the store is like a food lover’s wet dream.  At least it was for me.  I picked up a microplane and rolling pin for 6 bucks each, a timer for 10, and a wee-tiny egg whisk for 60 cent. I’ll definitely be hopping a train out there once we’re settled into our new digs, and figure out what kind of stuff we’re missing.

And if I walk away with a 4-foot whisk, what’s the harm?

Hot (Sauce) Comments About Eating Challenges Week

Photo by Deb N.

A couple of friends here at work took the time and effort to leave some stories about their own experiences with hot sauce that should never be ingested, so I thought I’d share.

Up first is Jen, about her slightly foolish friend.

I have a friend, we’ll call him Pete (cause that’s his name,) who threw caution to the wind and disregarded all warnings about the secret, special, sign a waiver hot sauce that they keep in a cooler at Heaven On Seven and slathered it on a slice of white bread.

Silly boy missed the rest of dinner trying to wash out his mouth, throat and stomach and then ended up calling in sick to work the next day due to intestinal distress.
Yep. Beware of hot sauce served on a litmus stick.

That is all.

So true.  If they have to pull out the science equipment to serve you hot sauce, just say no.  You don’t have to prove your manliness (or womanliness) to anyone.  If you’re trying to impress your friends, it won’t work.  Because they’ll call you a wimp for not trying it and laugh at you mercilessly as you cry for the sweet release of death if you do.  It’s a no win situation.  That’s what friends are for.

Up next is Kristin, with her own tale of woe.  Go ahead Kristin, you’re on the line:

About 12 years ago my grandfather, sitting at our local pub during one of his visits to Chicago, learned from the pub owner of a hot sauce the owner’s son had brought back from Louisiana. The owner brought the bottle over to us and each of us were handed a toothpick. My grandfather having been through a bypass and a host to a pace-maker opted out of the obvious challenge presented by the pub owner. I however was all in! This was the hottest thing I could have ever imagined. I was not prepared for the pain that just a few drops would inflict. My grandfather found it all very amusing his granddaughter stomping up and down the bar with her tongue hanging out begging for beer. When my husband arrived about an hour later, we gave him a toothpick and told him to taste it, I said it was not that bad, my tongue was no longer numb and the overall burning sensation was gone plus there was bread at the ready behind the bar. His reaction was one of surprise and disappointment, how could his wife put him through such an ordeal….how could I not? Our reactions to this sauce gave an awful lot of delight to our friends and particularly my grandfather. The hot sauce was Dave’s Insanity Sauce, I’ve never had any thing like it since.

Rule number two in the mysterious food code?  Never agree to try something if it’s precurosered by, “Here try this.”  Look around first.  Is anyone else trying it?  No?  Put down the toothpick.

And if you’re looking for some crazy hot sauce shopping or gifts, and you happen to be in California, make sure you check out Hot Licks.  On an excursion to San Diego a few years ago, I wandered into the store and was amazed at the vast amount of hot sauce on display.  Floor to ceiling were covered in little vials of delicious pain.  I didn’t even know where to start, but I knew that with no prices on any of the bottles, I didn’t want to ask about pricing.  But, if anything, it’s a great little store to visit.