Consumer Reports: “Why Your Favorite Fast Food Sucks/Rules”

The newly released Consumer Reports article isn’t going to shock anyone in terms of what they discovered when rating the fast food world of burgers, pizzas, tacos and chicken. It may shock you to learn that they think (insert your favorite restaurant here) in fact does not have good food, and why the hell are you eating there anyways?

In n’ Out ranks highest, which even I, a non-meat eater, would tell you. The burgers just look better than other chains. Not to mention their fries and shakes are outstanding. I would also tell you that Burger King ranks the lowest purely because of how awful the (late and not missed) BK Veggie tasted.

But go on! See for yourself! What’s your favorite fast food restaurant?

For the record, I can’t disagree with CR’s toppers. Although I do enjoy Baja Fresh if I can get it over Chipotle. So take THAT Consumer Reports.

Why I Can’t Be Vegan – Soy Cheese

In my early days of going vegetarian, I briefly flirted with the idea of just dropping all animal products and trying out veganism. I figured I was able to cut out red meat, chicken and fish pretty much (I realize now I just painted myself into a painful pun corner) cold turkey. Here is what I’ve learned: I can never be a vegan. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the animal rights fire burning within, or maybe I realized it just wasn’t cost effective for me to, at the time, make nearly everything by hand. I lived in an age before vegan options regularly appeared on menus. I was a broke student. It just wasn’t going to happen.

flickr.com / via boojee

But now I realize, at my age where I COULD afford it, I don’t want to be a vegan because I would miss cheese too damn much. And no, soy cheese is not a good substitution. Soy cheese is like getting some cheap knockoff shoes while your friends have the real brands, and your parents keep trying to convince you that your shoes are just as good. No mom and dad, Pro-Wings are not as good as Reebok and Nike, and the fact I was ostracized by my 4th grade class proved this.

And before anyone makes a snide remark that maybe it was my personality, of COURSE it was my personality. But we all had defective personalities, we were honors students. I’m surprised we knew how to interact with each other.

I’ve given soy cheese a chance several times over the years. But I bring it up now because we’ve come a long way from the early days of veggie substitutes. Ian’s Pizza in Wrigleyville (of the mac ‘n cheese pizza fame) now offers a vegan night every Thursday.  It’s a great idea, and really shows just how far some restaurants have come to make sure their customers are happy. We rushed over there the first Thursday it was available even though I remembered well my disdain of the fake cheese. What can I say, I’m either an optimist or a glutton for punishment. The veggie pepperoni on the slice I got was delicious; not really pepperoni, but just as spicy. Their crust was light, fluffy and crispy as usual. But the cheese sat there barely melted, looking at it’s fat-filled, perfectly melted cousin. Katie’s slice, the cheese wasn’t melted at all.

This week I stopped at Whole Foods (preparing for Chicago’s #SNOMG) to see Tofurky has released their own vegan pizzas. I bought one, naturally, my experience with soy cheese at Ian’s already forgotten. Too lazy to cook I heated it up last night and ran into the same results. Not only was there not enough soy-cheese on it, but again, it sat under the pepperoni only slightly melted.

Also for 8 bucks? That is a ridiculously small pizza. Shame on Tofurky, or Whole Foods, or both of you.

And that’s why soy cheese will never replace the real thing. You don’t get the visceral joy of cheese forming strings from the pizza to your mouth. You’ll never have a stuffed soy cheese pizza because there’s no way you’d get that sight of cheese oozing out the sides. And we all know the cheese oozing out the sides is the best part of stuffed pizza. It’s why we steal it from other slices.

I’m glad that vegans have an option for a pizza replacement, but until they get a fake cheese to mimic the beautiful, stringy, melty, creamy deliciousness that is real cheese, I can never, ever be vegan.

P.S. This argument also applies to butter.

Ian’s Pizza – Chicago, IL

Ian’s Pizza serves up single slices of pizza that can only be described as Frankenstein-ian in nature.  Toppings that by all rights shouldn’t be anywhere near a pizza crust somehow come together to create some pretty tasty slices of my favorite food.

I think Ian’s got the most attention when they originally opened in Chicago because of their “famous” Mac ‘n Cheese pizza.  It’s an Atkins’ diet lover’s nightmare: a pizza crust covered in cheddar cheese and elbow macaroni.  Bread covered in pasta covered in cheese?  Yes please.  There’s something so unnatural, but so delicious about the entire thing.

There’s no way to lie, it’s what originally drew me to the place.  But it turns out that Ian’s isn’t resting on that one pizza to carry them.  They have a ridiculous amount of crazy mad-scientist-like pizza combos.  Sure they have the normal, run-of-the-mill cheese and pepperoni slices, but why go for the ordinary when you can get a Philly Cheese Steak pizza covered in steak, onions, and french fries?

It also helps that their slices are affordable and filling.  Katie and tried 5 different slices all for around 20 bucks.  Between the two of us we were able to try the mac ‘n cheese, lasagna marinara, BBFAT, Smokey the Bandit and the tomato pesto pizzas.  Some were bigger successes than others (the lasagna marinara shames the mac ‘n cheese in my opinion) but all were good.  And the fact that at least a dozen different pizzas are always available means you’ll never run out of options.  Unless you’re looking for the s’mores pizza; that requires 24 hours advance notice.

The biggest surprise slice for us was the BBFAT.  Comprised of black beans, feta, artichokes and tomatoes, a single slice of pizza is nearly a meal in and of itself.  Hearty (and heavy) the flavors all came together to create what was probably my favorite slice there.

I don’t think that anyplace should charge $1.25 for a can of soda though.  I’m not at Six Flags.  Please don’t charge me Six Flags prices.  Luckily, they do have a water dispenser with some cups for us cheapskates.  Aside from that, and the fact that there’s no good way to go there during baseball season, Ian’s makes for one good pizza experience.  Their location is also perfect.  Cubs fans came pouring in after the game looking for some comfort food after the game we narrowly avoided.  The only place I can imagine being a better location would be next to a college dorm.  If you’re lucky Columbia College, maybe they’ll open a South Loop location.

I don’t know whether to say that Ian’s Pizza in Wrigleyville was dreamt up by a child’s imagination after they OD’d on sugar and caffeine, or if it was created by one very drunk, and possibly high, college student during one amazing bender.  In either case, thank you.  Thank you to the ADHD child.  Thank you to the drunken college student.  I didn’t know I needed lasagna pizza in my life, but I’m glad I have it.

Ian’s Pizza is located 3463 N. Clark St. (773) 525-4580‎.  Check out more photos of their crazy pizza on our Flickr pool.

Chi-Town Pizzeria – Chicago, IL

Photo Courtesy of The Onion

Let me get this out of the way right now by saying this is in no way, shape or form Chicago style pizza.  Don’t e-mail me and say I’m a traitor to the term pizza, or I don’t know what pizza is.  I know this is New York style pizza hiding in the Pedway of The Loop.  I don’t feel like getting into the argument on which is the better kind of pizza.  I believe that pizza is the United Nations of foods.  All are welcome, because you CANNOT go wrong with a bread covered in cheese and sauce.  It’s mathematically impossible.

I also know that any self-respecting Chicagoan wouldn’t call their restaurant Chi-Town, much like any self-respecting San Fransiscan wouldn’t refer to the Bay Area as Frisco.  I know.  I get it.

Here’s the thing though.  If Chi-Town Pizzeria continues to make their pizza as delicious as it is, I don’t care what they call themselves.  They can call themselves “Chicagoan’s Eat Dicks Pizzeria” and I’ll still gladly order a 20″ pie from this place.  Because this is the kind of thin crust I love.  Grease drips off the giant triangular slab of cheese and dough, enticing you to soak it back up with the crust.  And you do, because the flavor is not of this earth.  Yes, it’s hyperbole, but I’m willing to say the pizza is THAT good.  It’s the perfect late night, too much booze in your system type of pizza.  It’s greasy and cheesy, and it’s making me hungry just typing this up.

How much do I love this pizza?  A 20″ pizza is not safe around me.  I will fold those large slices up into the prerequisite pizza-taco and eat my way through the entire thing until there’s nothing left but a greasy cardboard container and my cheese-clogged guilt.  We have nearly ordered this pizza once a week for the past 2 months without want of discovering the other pizza places in our area.

How is their other food?  I have no idea.  Their breadsticks are just average, the kind you’d expect from free delivery breadsticks.  The marinara sauce that comes with them is nothing to write home about.  Maybe one day we’ll expand our menu selections, but for now that greasy cheese pizza is all we need.

Located in the Metra Electric Line station, the place is easy to miss.  I walked by it for months assuming it was nothing more than a foodcourt pizza place; more Sbarro than the awesome it is.  They also have a regular location (11 W Division St) that handles late night deliveries (think 3 AM), but if you’re in the Loop and you need some pizza, you can’t go wrong with Chi-Town.

151 N Michigan Ave
Chicago, IL
(312) 938-1111

Eat It! Celebrating Eating Challenges – Day 4

Schiappa's Pizza Challenge

*It would help if I actually pressed publish on this article.  Sorry for the delay*

This is the kind of challenge after my own heart.  Yes.  Even I would have a hard time trying not to attempt to eat a 29″ pizza.  Of course, being a vegetarian, mine would have to be either all cheese, or covered in veggies.  But seriously, I think if I don’t eat the entire day, I could TOTALLY do this.

And, it’s only a quick, several hour drive away to try out Schiappa’s Pizza Challenge in O’Fallon, Illinois.  Slap some spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms and onions on there, and I’d be good to go.

Don’t try to fool me with logic, and tell me that no one should try and eat their half a nearly 30″ pizza in 30 minutes.  Don’t try and warn me about my heart literally exploding from my chest in a spray of congealed mozarella cheese.

That’s how much I tend to crave the pizza.  I’ve nearly finished off entire large stuffed pizzas by myself.  It’s an unhealthy, but unavoidable addiction.  But there’s something about the cheese and the bread and the sauce that leaves me helpless to what I still consider to be the perfect meal.

Maybe 29 inches is too big for you.  Pointer’s Pizza offers a smaller pie that you may find doable.  It’s only 28 inches.  And you get an hour.  The main difference being, it also weighs over 13 pounds.  That’s a lot of damn pizza.

And you have to wonder if the restaurants are setting you up for failure.  They don’t announce the type of crust you’ll be up against.  A 28 or 29 inch pizza would be much easier to handle if it were a thin crust over a thick crust or pan pizza.  The bread alone would make it hard to finish the thicker the crust got.

But seriously.  It wouldn’t stop me.  And 500 dollars as a prize?  That’ll probably cover the trip to hospital in my celebratory ambulance ride.

Next Week is Eating Competition Week!

The Homewrecker post was such a big hit with friends and web people that I’ve decided for the next week (possibly two), I’ll be featuring all the eating competition and disgustingly oversized meals that have been forwarded my way.

If you have your own personal favorite, send me a link at twobitesinsuburbia at gmail dot com.  Stay tuned for ice cream sundaes that fill a sink, 29″ pizzas, and various other things that will make you wonder how this world remains over populated when so many people obviously want their very own murder by meal.

That's a BIG burger

Two Bites in Suburbia – Episode 3: Judgement Donkey

Twobitme interviews Gordon Ramsay!

Twobitme and K80 also discuss some of their favorite pizza around Chicago and its suburbs, but not before reviewing Molly’s Cupcakes and Purgatory Pizza on the North Side.

*Show Notes Will Be Up Later This Afternoon*

E-mail us: twobitesinsuburbia@gmail.com

Join us: http://twobites.podbean.com

Subscribe at iTunes: http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=278683274

Purgatory Pizza – Chicago, IL

Main Entry: pur·ga·to·ry
Pronunciation: \ˈpər-gə-ˌtȯr-ē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural pur·ga·to·ries
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French or Medieval Latin; Anglo-French purgatorie, from Medieval Latin purgatorium, from Late Latin, neuter of purgatorius purging, from Latin purgare
Date: 13th century

1. an intermediate state after death for expiatory purification; specifically : a place or state of punishment wherein according to Roman Catholic doctrine the souls of those who die in God’s grace may make satisfaction for past sins and so become fit for heaven
2. a place or state of temporary suffering or misery
3. Iron Maiden’s fifth single
4. Chicago Celtic Punk band The Tossers fourth studio album.
5. 1999 western fantasy film directed by Uli Edel.

I think we discovered how Purgatory Pizza got their name.  This Uli Edel inspired Wrigleyville pizza place is ripe with imagery from his classic Western film set in the eponymous town, paying special dedication to Randy Quaid and Eric Roberts.

Isn’t it sad that Body of Evidence was so universally reviled that Mr. Edel was banished to the world of procedural dramas directors after it came out?  Poor guy.  Madonna is not afraid to leave a trail of bodies in her quest to add to her resume of bad film acting!

Actually, Purgatory Pizza would be aptly named because the wait time for your food can be a little trying.  Depending on how hungry you are, it can be downright maddening.  In our case, it took so long, time actually reversed, our hunger completely looped itself, and we were hungry no longer.

Located across from the Pick Me Up Cafe up in Wrigleyville (so good luck finding parking until fall!), Purgatory actually earned its name from the painted flames of hell shooting from the floor turning into the white, fluffy clouds of heaven.  It’s a fun idea for a restaurant, without being nearly as tacky as it could be.  Could you imagine the same idea in the hands of an Applebee’s like company?  All that plastic heaven/hell themed crap everywhere makes the mind boggle.

We met up with our friends, N8 and Elaine, Sunday night to check out the newly opened pizzeria.  The buzz had been positive, and we were all looking for something new to try.  They arrived 5-10 minutes before us, ordering appetizers as we crawled around the neighborhood looking for some post-game parking.  Luckily it was post-game just enough that the area was nearly empty, making parking at least a plausible idea.

We shared hellos with our friends, who told us they had already ordered appetizers.  We ordered a couple Sweet Teas and tucked ourselves in with visions of thin crust dancing in our heads.  And then the waiting started.  For mozzarella sticks and bread sticks, the total wait time was easily 20 minutes, if not a few minutes longer.  We originally scratched it up to it being a Sunday after the game, but the place was surprisingly empty for it being nearly 7 PM.

The sweet tea arrived, and after just one sip, we realized that tea must have been sitting out a little TOO long in the sun, or some other such fate.  It had the bitter taste that only spoiled tea has.  But hey, free refills!  Elaine was just as unpleased with her Ginger Ale.  We were really starting to worry that our random  restaurant selection would be a huge bust.

We placed our orders for the pizzas, N&E ordering a thin crust Zeal pizza: eggplant, squash, zucchini, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, mozzarella.  We ordered the Purgatory pie, a choose-your-own-adventure of pizza goodness.  Our choices: spinach, feta, sun dried tomatoes and fresh garlic, were stuffed in between two layers of their special thin crust (special because of the PBR used in the mix).

The appetizers arrived, and our fears were allayed a bit.  These were some DAMN tasty cheese sticks!  And the bread sticks, while needing a little extra salt, were also pretty damn delicious.  They also both went quite quick.

We waited some more.  The pizza probably didn’t arrive for another 20-25 minutes, giving it a total cooking time of 45 minutes easy.  If they were both deep dish pizzas, we could understand, but with a thin crust, and an adapted thin crust, you would think they would have been out in 20 minutes.  But no.  We apparently hadn’t atoned enough for our dietary sins.

The pizza though?  Absolutely, without question, delicious.  The crust is light and crisp, looking much like fried won ton wrapper.  Who knew that adding some working class PBR to a pizza’s crust would make it so damn tasty?  I’m no fan of a pizza covered in vegetables, but the veggies on the Zeal pizza were actually individually full of flavor, not the green mushperonion non-flavor that usually plagues most veggie pies.  The Purgatory pizza was also a winner.  The flavors blended well together, so much so, that our pizza was declared the victor of the evening.

I would absolutely recommend checking out Purgatory Pizza…in a month or two.  With a list of nearly two dozen ingredients to mix and match, from  They just need to work some shit out in the kitchen, cutting down on the wait time for the food.  Because once they do, you’d be a damn fool not to add Purgatory to your rotation of regular pizza joints.

The Epic Michael’s Pizza Conclusion

Saturday was supposed to be sushi day for Katie and myself. We were meeting a friend in Naperville for some Wild Tuna deliciousness; the keyword being WERE. He apparently “ate something” the night before that was making him “nearly vomit” throughout the day. I told him he was a “wimp” who needed to “deal with it,” but my insults and complaints didn’t sway him.

Deciding to save some money, Katie and I decided to take advantage of a free coupon that the VP of Michael’s Pizza gave us to get us back in to the restaurant after a 13-year hiatus. We ordered ourselves a double cheese pizza topped with crushed garlic. What were our thoughts?

The pizza was quite tasty. The cheese was well melted, and the garlic was indeed crushed and spread evenly throughout the pizza. We were iffy on the crust, though. Katie and I both preferred the inside pieces, because the little bit of naked crust on the outside tasted almost generic where crust is concerned.

Even with our small nitpicking aside, we tore through that pizza in one sitting, leaving only 5 lonely pizzas to sit in the fridge for leftovers. And it’s one thing I completely forgot about Michael’s Pizza: the leftovers always taste better than the fresh pizza. I don’t know what kind of weird magical voo-doo powder they use, but those five pieces didn’t last very long the next day. Somehow the cold causes just the right amount of congealing and flavor trapping to make it extra tasty.

Where does this leave my pizza rankings? I still think Rosati’s is the best pizza in Romeoville, but each of the companies definitely have their strengths.

Favorite Specialty Pizza – Fat Ricky’s Double Decker Pizza
Favorite Thin Crust Pizza – Michael’s Pizza
Favorite Overall Pizza Co – Rosati’s Pizza
Least Favorite Pizza Co – At’s-A-Nice Pizza
Not Reviewed – Giovanny’s Pizza

Pizza Culpa

A while back I wrote up the various pizzas in my area. Pizza is a subjective thing. Where some people love one company’s sauce, others can’t find a good thing to say about it. Katie and I seldom agree on what good pizza is, unless it’s something like Coalfire or Pizza D.O.C. But when it comes to neighborhood pizza, good luck on an agreement.

But, where we can both agree is that if you’re going to say something about a place, at least make sure it’s true. I said in that post about pizza that I was always told that Michael’s Pizza relied, much like McDonald’s with their fries, on added a little beef fat to their pizza sauce for some extra flavor.

Just the other day, a representative from Michael’s Pizza contacted me to set the record straight…

Just wanted to comment on your blog regarding Michael’s Pizza…. I’ve worked here for nearly 20 years, and rest assured, we do not put any beef gravy in the pizza sauce. I promise you.

So, there you go. That’ll learn you to listen to second hand information from a part-time employee who, as history proved, was not always right in the head in the first place. What does this mean? I’ll be ordering some Michael’s Pizza as soon as the pizza craving hits.

Thanks to Charity for pointing out the confusion, and sorry for any undue stress this caused her boss.

Michael’s Pizza
422 N. Weber Road
Romeoville, IL 60446
815– 886-0707

Hours:
MONDAY – THURSDAY – 11 AM to 10PM
FRIDAY – Saturday 11 AM to 11PM
SUNDAY – 12 PM to 10 PM