Why I Can’t Be Vegan – Soy Cheese

In my early days of going vegetarian, I briefly flirted with the idea of just dropping all animal products and trying out veganism. I figured I was able to cut out red meat, chicken and fish pretty much (I realize now I just painted myself into a painful pun corner) cold turkey. Here is what I’ve learned: I can never be a vegan. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the animal rights fire burning within, or maybe I realized it just wasn’t cost effective for me to, at the time, make nearly everything by hand. I lived in an age before vegan options regularly appeared on menus. I was a broke student. It just wasn’t going to happen.

flickr.com / via boojee

But now I realize, at my age where I COULD afford it, I don’t want to be a vegan because I would miss cheese too damn much. And no, soy cheese is not a good substitution. Soy cheese is like getting some cheap knockoff shoes while your friends have the real brands, and your parents keep trying to convince you that your shoes are just as good. No mom and dad, Pro-Wings are not as good as Reebok and Nike, and the fact I was ostracized by my 4th grade class proved this.

And before anyone makes a snide remark that maybe it was my personality, of COURSE it was my personality. But we all had defective personalities, we were honors students. I’m surprised we knew how to interact with each other.

I’ve given soy cheese a chance several times over the years. But I bring it up now because we’ve come a long way from the early days of veggie substitutes. Ian’s Pizza in Wrigleyville (of the mac ‘n cheese pizza fame) now offers a vegan night every Thursday.  It’s a great idea, and really shows just how far some restaurants have come to make sure their customers are happy. We rushed over there the first Thursday it was available even though I remembered well my disdain of the fake cheese. What can I say, I’m either an optimist or a glutton for punishment. The veggie pepperoni on the slice I got was delicious; not really pepperoni, but just as spicy. Their crust was light, fluffy and crispy as usual. But the cheese sat there barely melted, looking at it’s fat-filled, perfectly melted cousin. Katie’s slice, the cheese wasn’t melted at all.

This week I stopped at Whole Foods (preparing for Chicago’s #SNOMG) to see Tofurky has released their own vegan pizzas. I bought one, naturally, my experience with soy cheese at Ian’s already forgotten. Too lazy to cook I heated it up last night and ran into the same results. Not only was there not enough soy-cheese on it, but again, it sat under the pepperoni only slightly melted.

Also for 8 bucks? That is a ridiculously small pizza. Shame on Tofurky, or Whole Foods, or both of you.

And that’s why soy cheese will never replace the real thing. You don’t get the visceral joy of cheese forming strings from the pizza to your mouth. You’ll never have a stuffed soy cheese pizza because there’s no way you’d get that sight of cheese oozing out the sides. And we all know the cheese oozing out the sides is the best part of stuffed pizza. It’s why we steal it from other slices.

I’m glad that vegans have an option for a pizza replacement, but until they get a fake cheese to mimic the beautiful, stringy, melty, creamy deliciousness that is real cheese, I can never, ever be vegan.

P.S. This argument also applies to butter.

Vegetarian Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich

I saw this recipe over on The Lazy Vegetarian, and realized it was pretty much right up my alley.  Hell.  I’m lazy!  I’m a vegetarian!  I know the lyrics to Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!

But seriously, this couldn’t be a simpler sandwich recipe that easily makes about 4 sandwiches if you use an average sized roll.  I used provolone cheese for mine, but I know the usual is a nice Swiss.  I, however, am a heathen and just don’t like Swiss cheese all that much.  Deal with it Philadelphia!

Vegetarian Philly Cheese Steak (from TLV)
Makes 4 sandwiches on average

INGREDIENTS

• Bakery Rolls
• 1 package Morningstar Farms Meal Starters Veggie “Steak” Strips
• 2 – 3 Tbsps Canola oil
• 1 onion, cut into strips
• 1 green pepper, cut into strips
• Provolone cheese

Preheat oil in large flat-bottom skillet. Cook onion and pepper over medium heat for about 5 minutes. Add strips and cook until strips are heated through. Seperate, in the pan, the mixture into individual servings. Place cheese on top until melted. Transfer to rolls.

Breakfast in Cracker Form? Bacon, Egg & Cheese Combos!

We make jokes about how foods that shouldn’t necessarily be mixed together fairly often on Two Bites.  I’m a firm believer that we do not need potato chips that taste like hamburgers or tortilla chips that taste like Mountain Dew.  Of course I’ll try a majority of them, but that doesn’t mean that I think they should actually exist in real space.  They should exist in our jokes and in the theories and dreams of INCREDIBLY high college kids.

But, alas, I am in the minority.  I must be, because otherwise things like Bacon, Egg & Cheese Combos wouldn’t be on the market.  But they are.  So I am.

I’ve only seen these at my local 7-11 so far, so I cannot guarantee that the more adventurous people out there will find them at their local convenience and/or grocery stores.  I CAN guarantee that if you eat an entire bag in one sitting, you will have the overwhelming aftertaste of dirty feet taking up a place in your mouth.

And yet, I can’t necessarily tell you not to buy these.  Because they are oddly addicting.  Disturbingly, disturbingly addicting.  They’re not bad.  But they’re not good.

They’re just weird.

A small sampling of a half dozen coworkers resulted in the very same conclusion.  “They’re just weird.”

Vegetarians need not worry, because aside from cheese, I don’t think there’s a natural (read Bacon) ingredient in these crackers.  Yet somehow, in some sin against nature herself, they taste exactly like a Dunkin’ Donuts breakfast bagel.  It doesn’t hit you at first, most likely because when you open the bag they smell overwhelmingly like cat food.  But once you pop a few of these breakfast sandwiches of the future into your mouth, you’ll be remiss to disagree.  The bacon flavor is surprisingly subtle, and while you can’t pick necessarily pick out the egg and cheese flavors, your mind is registering all the flavors that the bag tells you are there.

These are the kind of crackers that bars need to start putting out for people.  It’s the ultimate hangover snack.  You’re getting all the greasy spoon flavor in the tiniest of salty crackers stuffed with a cheese-like substance.  I’m talking to you Chicago holes-in-the-wall, gastropubs, and dive bars.

Other ideas that we’ve come up with?  Mashing these Combos down with a rolling pin and breading, and then deep frying chicken.  Serve these with my Cheetos-covered Potato Chips, and life as you know would explode in a world of flavor unlike any you have ever seen before.

Or maybe that’s your heart exploding from extremely high blood pressure.