I don’t like Skittles. I USED to like Skittles when I was young. One day I overdosed on them when I got my hands on a 1 lb. bag of the little fuckers and learned first hand what lockjaw feels like. I almost think getting stabbed in the foot with a rusty nail would have been a better choice by the time those little sugar devils were done with me. It was an experience akin only to the time a group of us went through an entire 5lb bag of Smarties in college. I, myself, am shocked that I’m not either dead, diabetic, or thrown into a sugar coma that I would only now be awakening from.
Needless to say, I was weary of trying the new Limited Edition Carnival Skittles for personal reasons. I honestly have not had a single Skittles in over 20 years. But, for the better of mankind I pressed forward and bought two packs of these from my local “We Carry All The Crazy Shit” Walgreens.
These new Skittles are indeed limited edition. I’m assuming it’s because this much carnival flavor packed into a single bag could either be bad for carnival business, or get the taste of carny life so deeply entrenched in our children that there would be a new age of carnies, hobos, and vagabonds swindling marks with their hoop games and gluing milk bottles together to guarantee no one would ever knock them down with a softball.
Imagine…a world full of carnies. All the basketball hoops would be made two inches shorter in diameter, making the sports world fall to their knees. Caramel would be served in vats. Clothes would be made from cotton candy and smell faintly of cabbage.
Imagine…a world where the hobos have been reborn (neo-hobo?). I don’t mean homeless people and beggars, but those that choose to live life with nothing more than a bindle, their thoughts, and disturbingly strong legs to hop onto running trains.
I don’t think the people releasing these Skittles want that on their shoulders.
Not to worry though, because these Skittles should come with a warning.
Warning: May cause: nausea, headache, dry mouth, the shakes, upset stomach, delusions of carnie-life, sick stomach, confusion, and loss of sensation in taste buds.
The taste of these Skittles taste vaguely like what they’re supposed to represent. The bag tells you that inside you’ll find: candy apple, bubble gum, cotton candy, red licorice and green slushy. What exactly does “green slushy” taste like? Maybe it tastes like what you want green to taste like. To me, green slushy tastes like candied angel wings with a slightly acidic aftertaste.
These candies are like tasting what you remember of a dream about cotton candy or candy apples. It’s like biting into a little capsule of chemicals and preservatives fooling you with the promise of the guarantee that Jelly Belly usually provides.
What do you get instead? You get some crappy-ass tasting Skittles, that’s what you get. You get candy that makes me remember why I stopped eating them in the first place. You get the failed dreams that maybe the carnies will rise again, filling our neighborhoods with Tilt-A-Whirls and Fun Houses.
You get the knowledge that somewhere a hobo sheds a single tear.