We make jokes about how foods that shouldn’t necessarily be mixed together fairly often on Two Bites. I’m a firm believer that we do not need potato chips that taste like hamburgers or tortilla chips that taste like Mountain Dew. Of course I’ll try a majority of them, but that doesn’t mean that I think they should actually exist in real space. They should exist in our jokes and in the theories and dreams of INCREDIBLY high college kids.
But, alas, I am in the minority. I must be, because otherwise things like Bacon, Egg & Cheese Combos wouldn’t be on the market. But they are. So I am.
I’ve only seen these at my local 7-11 so far, so I cannot guarantee that the more adventurous people out there will find them at their local convenience and/or grocery stores. I CAN guarantee that if you eat an entire bag in one sitting, you will have the overwhelming aftertaste of dirty feet taking up a place in your mouth.
And yet, I can’t necessarily tell you not to buy these. Because they are oddly addicting. Disturbingly, disturbingly addicting. They’re not bad. But they’re not good.
They’re just weird.
A small sampling of a half dozen coworkers resulted in the very same conclusion. “They’re just weird.”
Vegetarians need not worry, because aside from cheese, I don’t think there’s a natural (read Bacon) ingredient in these crackers. Yet somehow, in some sin against nature herself, they taste exactly like a Dunkin’ Donuts breakfast bagel. It doesn’t hit you at first, most likely because when you open the bag they smell overwhelmingly like cat food. But once you pop a few of these breakfast sandwiches of the future into your mouth, you’ll be remiss to disagree. The bacon flavor is surprisingly subtle, and while you can’t pick necessarily pick out the egg and cheese flavors, your mind is registering all the flavors that the bag tells you are there.
These are the kind of crackers that bars need to start putting out for people. It’s the ultimate hangover snack. You’re getting all the greasy spoon flavor in the tiniest of salty crackers stuffed with a cheese-like substance. I’m talking to you Chicago holes-in-the-wall, gastropubs, and dive bars.
Other ideas that we’ve come up with? Mashing these Combos down with a rolling pin and breading, and then deep frying chicken. Serve these with my Cheetos-covered Potato Chips, and life as you know would explode in a world of flavor unlike any you have ever seen before.
Or maybe that’s your heart exploding from extremely high blood pressure.