I guess calling them a shake isn’t fair. It’s technically a smoothie. But the seasonal smoothies at Jamba Juice may as well be milkshakes. Between an eggnog or a pumpkin option, they’re quickly trying to replace my eggnog shake addiction that for years belonged solely to McDonald’s. And now the pumpkin smoothie has only rekindled my love of the pumpkin pie Blizzard you could get seasonally from Dairy Queen.
But those aren’t healthy for anybody. Shoving an actual piece of pumpkin pie into a cup of already unhealthy ice cream is just a date with self loathing and disaster. DELICIOUS self loathing but self loathing nonetheless. It was like when I discovered the chocolate cake shakes at Portillos. Did the world NEED a chocolate milk shake blended with a piece of Duncan Hines chocolate cake? No! Did America make it anyways? Yes!
I would go to Portillos every other weekend with my best friend Chris and we’d order a large cake shake and just sit there happy as clams. I’d order a large cheese fries, because really when you’re on a lactose binge, go all out right? If I could have ordered mozzarella sticks covered in neon yellow cheese I probably would have. I’m not a healthy man.
But that’s why I’m actually happy Jamba Juice came out with these shakes. Sure, nothing beats the real deal of a pumpkin pie blizzard. I’m not an idiot. This shake doesn’t have piece of pie, or swirls of whip cream in it. BUT it does taste something like that original experience at half the calories (even less if you order up the light version). And they are pretty damn tasty. Granted, you don’t get a cool bracelet with one like you would with the Twilight branded Berry Midnight or whatever they’re calling it, but it’s good. And who needs Kristen Stewart sitting around looking listless while you’re trying to enjoy your drink anyhow?
The eggnog smoothie does indeed taste like eggnog, but it’s nowhere near as good as an eggnog shake. Eggnog by its very nature is gross, disgusting and REALLY unhealthy. Trying to healthify eggnog is a fruitless endeavor. You need whole cream and eggs and the feeling your heart may explode to truly enjoy it. And drinking an eggnog shake from McDonald’s gave you that experience. Of course it made it even unhealthier by adding nearly 2000 calories to it (if you got the large like I always did). So skip it. It’ll just make you sad you’re not drinking the real thing.
So long live the Jamba Juice Pumpkin Smash smoothie. I applaud it for getting me addicted to it. But I am a seasonal pumpkin drink whore. Except for you Pumpkin Latte at Starbucks. You taste like my spice cabinet full of nothing but all-spice and nutmeg exploded in my face.