Tilted Kilt – Chicago, IL

p. David Kadlubowski - The Arizona Republic

I don’t even know if I can accurately review Tilted Kilt, the recently opened Loop sports bar at 17 N. Wabash.  I mean, for someone like me, I know how to search for all the T&A I need online.  And the best part is it’s free.  I don’t feel obligated to buy an appetizer or beer so I don’t feel quite so skeevy going in to gawk at the breasts and butts on display.  Let’s be honest, that’s pretty much the only reason this bar exists.  It’s like the dream bar for someone who wanted a slightly higher class Hooters; while also harboring a dark fetish for short kilts.  And it is a fetish, because that’s the closest thing to Celtic or Irish that exists in this place.

Don’t get me wrong, you can never go wrong with the baring of flesh, but in today’s world when burlesque shows and strip clubs are so mainstream, do we have to masquerade our need to see boobs under the thin disguise of being a sports bar?  At least when you go to a strip club everyone knows the score.  You’re there to see nudity; and the women (or men) are there to take your money.  At Tilted Kilt you can’t help but feel just the slightest bit dirty trying to covertly sneak a peak at some cleavage, or gawk at the legs on display underneath the kilt.  It upsets the balance between restaurant and strip club.  You want to stare but you feel like you’re breaking the unwritten laws of not leering at your restaurant server.

The food is tertiary to the drinks which follows a distant second to the T&A.  The service is what it is.  In our case, it was mediocre at best.  The waitress was eager to serve, stopping by several times while we looked over the menu.  But once the food arrived she disappeared, which was a problem since the order was wrong.  Katie’s pulled-pork sandwich, ordered without coleslaw, looked like the kitchen realized after they put it on the sandwich it shouldn’t be there.  Pieces of coleslaw seemed hidden inside the pork.  It took 10 minutes to flag down the waitress, and another 30 minutes to finally get a replacement burger which we asked for to go at that point.

p. AZ Central

Vegetarians, unless you’re looking for a “celtic” restaurant that serves pizza, give it a pass.  The pizza was good, but nothing memorable.  I probably would have enjoyed it more if I wasn’t so pissed that I had to eat my meal in front of Katie while she waited for the sandwich.  Once she finally did get her pulled pork she was pretty disappointed, giving it the “it’s a sandwich alright” review.

Sure it’s fun to be titillated, and the short plaid skirts fill out the school-girl fantasy most men are ashamed to admit they have; but when the talk in front of a restaurant/bar is “DUDE, I *TOTALLY* saw some nip!”, eventually the lure of boobs will wear off, and what will the place be left with?

17 N Wabash Ave
Chicago, IL 60602
(312) 269-5580‎

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Strawberry Muffins w/ Crumb Topping

I get no greater thrill during the summer than checking out the farmer’s market every week; and I seldom buy anything.  I just like the Christmas-like excitement of finding out what’s finally in season.  This past week strawberries hit their peak which lead me to buying some strawberries that were so juicy and sweet they were actually falling apart (thanks Klug Farms!).  I bought them before I realized I really had no recipes for strawberries aside from daquiris.  Don’t get me wrong, I love a good strawberry daquiri, but I figured my job would frown on me being drunk more often than not as I worked my way through the 2 pints of berries I purchased.

Instead I went with the less alcoholic, but still delicious, idea and made some strawberry muffins this morning.  I’ve attempted muffins in the past, but never quite got the recipe I was looking for until now.  Nate Meads of the oft-mentioned Fritz Pastry introduced me to Jacques Torres’ book Dessert Circus.  Jacques talks about the importance of adding ingredients individually to give the muffin a more crumb-like texture instead of the typical cake finish.  And let me tell you, he’s right.  Sure it may take a little longer than dumping liquid ingredients into dry ingredients, but the payoff is worth it.

I made a couple changes and additions to the original recipe.  There’s no call for ginger or vanilla in Torres’ version, and you can swap out the strawberries for whatever your favorite berry is.

Strawberry Muffins w/ Crumb Topping

Ingredients

• 2 cups bread or AP flour
• 1/2 heaping Tbsp Baking powder
• Pinch kosher salt
• Pinch cinnamon
• Pinch ginger
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 1/2 cup melted better
• 2 Large eggs
• 1/2 cup fat free milk (use whole milk for a richer muffin)
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 3/4-1 cup strawberries

Preheat oven to 375

Mix the dry ingredients in a bowl until well blended.  Mix in the melted butter with a spatula making sure the flour is completely coated.  Mix in eggs and mix until combined.  Mix in milk  until combined.  If using fresh berries place the fruit in the freezer until just frozen before adding them to the batter.

Fill the muffin cups 3/4 full, sprinkling some of the crumb topping (see below) on each muffin. Bake for 30 minutes.  Remove from the oven and allow the muffin pan to cool completely before removing the muffins.

Recipe makes 12 regular muffins or 6 jumbo muffins

Crumb Topping

Ingredients

• 2/3 cup cake flour
• 1/3 cup sugar
• 1/4 cup AP flour
• 7 Tbsp cold butter, cubed

Mix the dry ingredients together.  Take the butter and mix with the dry ingredients by hand, forming crumbs between your fingers.  Continue mixing all the butter until there are crumbs of butter still showing.

These Shoes Were Made For Eating

Thanks to the always fun Bonniegrrl, geek goddess and general seductress, I now know that we can all wear bacon on our feet thanks to Keds.  Get ‘em now!  They’re only 60 dollars!

Spinach, Rice & Feta Pie

You ever take a vacation and feel like you ended up worker harder away from work?  That’s how my week of staying home turned out.  While teaching myself to make proper seed starter, barm and rye bread, I was also helping Fritz Pastry open their doors, designing their menus, and helping out wherever I could.  If I learned one thing that past week, its that trying to open your own place, no matter the size, ain’t no joke.  I applaud them for pulling it off.

It also meant that we ate out nearly every night.  When it wasn’t Chi Town Pizza, we checked out the Tilted Kilt, or kept some out of town guests full by stuffing them with local favorites (and Fritz Pastry).  But now that Katie and I are both back on a normal schedule, with a few pounds gained, I’m back to cooking meals for the week.

To help get us back to our normal overweight status, I took a recipe from one of the many Weight Watchers books we have sitting around.  Most people, I think, just blow off Weight Watchers (probably because of their history), but they do have some pretty tasty recipes if you take the time to look.  This spinach and feta pie is just one example.  It’s technically closer to an egg white quiche than a pie, but I’m splitting hairs.

I did adapt it a little more to our tastes.  I used fresh spinach in place of frozen.  We’re just not a fan of the slightly soggy texture frozen spinach has.  I also had extra feta cheese thanks to a BOGO sale, so I bumped that up to 8 oz. instead of the 4 oz. called for.  And really, more feta is always a better option.

Spinach, Rice & Feta Pie

• 2 tsp olive oil
• 3/4 cup chopped onion
• 2 tsp AP flour
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp pepper
• 1 1/2 cups fat-free milk
• 2 cups cooked brown rice
• 4 oz. feta cheese (8 oz. if you’re feeling cheeky)
• 1 large egg, lightly beaten
• 2 large egg whites, lightly beaten
• 10 oz. chopped spinach
• 2 Tbsp grated Parmesan cheese

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.  Heat the oil in a large saucepan over medium heat.  Add the onion and saute for 3 minutes.  Stir in the flour, salt and pepper.  Gradually add the milk, stirring with a whisk until well blended and lumps have been removed.  Bring mixture to a simmer and cook for 1 minute or until slightly thick, stirring constantly.  Remove saucepan from heat, and stir in cooked rice, feta cheese, egg, egg whites and spinach.  Stir until the spinach has wilted.

Pour the mixture into a greased 9-inch pie plate.  Sprinkle the Parmesan cheese over the pie.  Bake for 35 minutes or until set.

Serves 6.

Ian’s Pizza – Chicago, IL

Ian’s Pizza serves up single slices of pizza that can only be described as Frankenstein-ian in nature.  Toppings that by all rights shouldn’t be anywhere near a pizza crust somehow come together to create some pretty tasty slices of my favorite food.

I think Ian’s got the most attention when they originally opened in Chicago because of their “famous” Mac ‘n Cheese pizza.  It’s an Atkins’ diet lover’s nightmare: a pizza crust covered in cheddar cheese and elbow macaroni.  Bread covered in pasta covered in cheese?  Yes please.  There’s something so unnatural, but so delicious about the entire thing.

There’s no way to lie, it’s what originally drew me to the place.  But it turns out that Ian’s isn’t resting on that one pizza to carry them.  They have a ridiculous amount of crazy mad-scientist-like pizza combos.  Sure they have the normal, run-of-the-mill cheese and pepperoni slices, but why go for the ordinary when you can get a Philly Cheese Steak pizza covered in steak, onions, and french fries?

It also helps that their slices are affordable and filling.  Katie and tried 5 different slices all for around 20 bucks.  Between the two of us we were able to try the mac ‘n cheese, lasagna marinara, BBFAT, Smokey the Bandit and the tomato pesto pizzas.  Some were bigger successes than others (the lasagna marinara shames the mac ‘n cheese in my opinion) but all were good.  And the fact that at least a dozen different pizzas are always available means you’ll never run out of options.  Unless you’re looking for the s’mores pizza; that requires 24 hours advance notice.

The biggest surprise slice for us was the BBFAT.  Comprised of black beans, feta, artichokes and tomatoes, a single slice of pizza is nearly a meal in and of itself.  Hearty (and heavy) the flavors all came together to create what was probably my favorite slice there.

I don’t think that anyplace should charge $1.25 for a can of soda though.  I’m not at Six Flags.  Please don’t charge me Six Flags prices.  Luckily, they do have a water dispenser with some cups for us cheapskates.  Aside from that, and the fact that there’s no good way to go there during baseball season, Ian’s makes for one good pizza experience.  Their location is also perfect.  Cubs fans came pouring in after the game looking for some comfort food after the game we narrowly avoided.  The only place I can imagine being a better location would be next to a college dorm.  If you’re lucky Columbia College, maybe they’ll open a South Loop location.

I don’t know whether to say that Ian’s Pizza in Wrigleyville was dreamt up by a child’s imagination after they OD’d on sugar and caffeine, or if it was created by one very drunk, and possibly high, college student during one amazing bender.  In either case, thank you.  Thank you to the ADHD child.  Thank you to the drunken college student.  I didn’t know I needed lasagna pizza in my life, but I’m glad I have it.

Ian’s Pizza is located 3463 N. Clark St. (773) 525-4580‎.  Check out more photos of their crazy pizza on our Flickr pool.

Fritz Pastry Press Release

Oh look, a Fritz Pastry press release.  Why yes, it was written by me.

For Immediate Release

CHICAGO, IL — There’s something to be said for good food that’s also affordable.  Too often nowadays, niche bakeries and cafes are moving towards the “couture” or “boutique” end of the spectrum, without looking back at the rest of us who want to be able to afford more than one cupcake when you walk through the doors.  Many of us would love to dine on upscale pastries, but unfortunately most of us can only afford mid-scale prices.

And that’s where Fritz Pastry comes in.  They understand that good food doesn’t need to come at not-so-good prices, which is oh-so-good for us.  Using the freshest local and organic products available Fritz Pastry will feature not only familiar European pastries, but several vegan options for those looking for an extra guilt-free treat; not to mention a rotating menu of seasonal savory dishes.

The owners of Fritz Pastry haven’t set their goals low.  They are also offering their specialty services are for call ahead ordering, catering, cake sales, and wholesale distribution.  Their menu offers a “Take & Bake” section of pastries by the dozen for those people looking to bring the restaurant home.

Located at 1408 W. Diversy Parkway in the Lakeview neighborhood, Fritz Pastry isn’t just another cafe opening in Chicago, but is a cafe that brings its diners to the cobblestones of Europe with every buttery bite.

Chef Nathaniel Meads, the chef behind Fritz Pastry, has long-held a love for the baking and pastry world.  Starting in a small Kankakee bakeshop in 1995 Meads has worked his way up through the restaurant scene.  He was most recently the Executive Pastry Chef for Blue Water Grill before its closing in 2009.

Meads spent his college days working through Joliet Junior College’s Culinary Arts Program, as well as several restaurants turning school theory into real-world practice.   In May 2002 Meads began a long, healthy career with Chicago’s Lettuce Entertain You Enterprises, joining the staff of reknowned restaurant Brasserie Jo as a Patissier.  2006 saw Meads join the staff of world famous The Everest Room as a Pastry Assistant where he would learn the skills to one day lead an entire pastry team.  That same year, Meads joined Gale Gand’s pastry team at the also famous and award-winning Tru.  In 2007 Meads was hired as the Executive Pastry Chef for Blue Water Grill to reinvent the dessert menu.  Creating desserts that were not only delicious, but fun his dishes have been featured on ABC Chicago’s Hungry Hound.

Featuring not only pastries familiar to those who visit cafes, Meads and his partners are hoping to bring a taste of Europe to the Lakeview neighborhood, in turn hoping to make Fritz Pastry a favorite cafe for all of Chicago.

When Meads isn’t making food, he’s eating it.  And when Meads isn’t eating food, he’s thinking about making more.

Elaine Heaney comes from the administration side of the restaurant industry, spending several years as Nacional 27’s Business Manager and Event Coordinator.

Jared Nance currently hails from Nacional 27 where he is currently a bartender and shift leader.  He has worked in the restaurant industry since 1994, covering both the front-of-house and kitchen operations.

A Very Fritz Pastry Q&A

I met up with Elaine Heaney, Nathaniel Meads and Jared Nance, the partners behind Fritz Pastry, a couple weeks before their grand opening to talk about a variety of topics, including why they decided now was the time to open up their own café, their history in the food industry, and who would win in a couple of dream battles of my own creation.

The question and answer session below is actually my second ever interview.  The first?  Takashi Shimizu.  That’s right, I interviewed the director of The Grudge for NewType USA. But that was an e-mail interview where I was able to take the time to research and finesse my questions.  I wasn’t sure how an on the spot interview would go.  I’m not typically the kind of blog writer that enjoys seeking out and hunting down interviews.  So when the opportunity arose to interview my friends for their restaurant, I thought it would be good experience for me, and a chance for them to introduce themselves to Chicago in a comfortable setting.

Let me tell you there’s nothing anything quite as entertaining as interviewing your friends.

Mike: So first question, what up?
Elaine: (Laughs)

Nathaniel: That’s a terrible first question.

M: Pretend I’m just a reporter who you’ve never met before from the most awesome foodblog ever, Two Bites in Suburbia.  What’s up?  How are you guys doing?
N: Rad!

Jared: We are good.  What’s up with you?

M: How are you doing, Elaine?
E: This better not be on your podcast.  I freeze when the redlight is on.

M: This place looks unrecognizable from when I saw it a few weeks ago. How are things coming along?
E: I think things are coming along well.  We’re working, and working, and sleeping and more working.  But it’s fun!

N: Man, things are going great!

M: What made you decide to open up your own place?  Was it always a goal?
E:  I think it’s always been a goal for all of us, but definitely for Nate and I.  We’ve been married almost ten years, and it’s always been more like a dream.  After working long days and long hours we finally wanted to work those long days and long hours for ourselves.

J: I think we were all at a common point in our lives.  We were all ready for something new to happen, and it just worked out.  I think we all supply a different piece to the puzzle, so I think it works between the three of us.

N: For me, it was more the long nights I was working.  I was going to be doing something like this my whole life. Now Elaine and I will be able to see each other, and work next to each other.

J: Also, I feel the same way about Elaine.  Sorry, Nate, I didn’t want you to find out like this.

N: (Laughs while biting into his bagel)

M: She is pretty lovable.

M: And where did the name Fritz Pastry come from?
N: That’s my grandpa!  Frederick “Fritz” Schoch.  He’s from Germany.  His family sent him over (to America) on a boat when he was seventeen. He was a baker’s apprentice in Germany before coming over here.  And once he was here, I don’t think he ever did any cooking…

E: He did when he went into the army.

N: He was a cook in the army!  That’s right!  He was rad.  Was that a good answer?

M: It was!  That was a really good answer.

M: So, Nate, you’ve been into baking and pastry since you were a kid then?
N: (Nods)

M: It’s in your blood? The power of flour?
N: Yep.  Hey, can I get a shirt that says that? (Laughs) But, yes I have.  When I was little, my mom would bake bread and cookies in the afternoon and she would sit me on the counter and let me watch.  I remember that when I was 5 or 6 I wanted to be a fireman, but that all changed by the time I was 8.  By then…

E: He either wanted to be a pastry chef or a rock n’ roller.

M: Not a tyrannosaurus?
E: HA!  I think it’s always been pastry chef or rock n’ roller.

N: Yeah, they had you fill out that form in high school asking what you wanted to do…I mean, what did you guys put down?

M: I think I usually put down artist or mathematician.

N: What about mathemagician?

M: Ooooooooh

J: Come on system’s analyst!  Come on system’s analyst!

E: I totally put fashion designer.  And look at me now!

J: I actually don’t remember people asking me that question.  I’m sure they did, but my fallback answer has always been writer or novelist.

M: What about you Elaine?  Did Nate pass his love of food onto you, or have you always been a fan?
E: We always say that food and music is what brought us together.  Neither of us had met someone else with such a passion for either of those before.  But I’ve always loved food, really good food.  That led me to getting into really good foods, sweets and pastries when I met Nate.

M: And you Jared?
J: My first job, and most jobs were in food.  I started when I was 15, but I thought it would only be temporary.  It just turned out that whenever I went into a different field I was never content.  So it was originally something I just fell into, but it ended up being where I found myself the happiest.  For me, it’s just as much about the food service atmosphere as it is about the product.

M: You’re actually a trained chef, right Nate? Where’d did you go to school?
N: I went to the culinary program at Joliet Junior College. I would say I learned just as much there as I would have paying for a more expensive program.

M: Did it prepare you for your career in the restaurant world, or were there things that there was just no way to be prepared for?
N: School is school.  And then you get a job, where on the first day you learn everything you learned at school, plus more.  There’s only so much you can learn before you start working somewhere and they kick you around for a few years.  So I’d say I learned the most getting kicked around at the start.

E: Nate and I don’t discourage anyone from going to culinary school, but we DO encourage them to get a job at a restaurant.  Whether it’s dishwashing, line cook or hostess; it’s good for everyone to know how a restaurant functions from the front door to the back door.  Sometimes the media glamorizes the industry a tiny bit.

M: I know it’s putting you on the spot, but Nate, what’s your favorite dessert of the ones you’ve made over the years?
N: The Cracker-Jack Sundae at Blue Water Grill.  I made the cracker jacks and ice cream (butter peanut & salted caramel), and then it was served with a peanut butter shell on top.  There was also a small prize in a box with each order.

M: What about one that isn’t yours?
N: A couple of years ago at Avenues in the Peninsula I tried a chocolate-ginger-lime shooter.  It blew my mind because I didn’t think those flavors would go well together. I guess I’m close-minded, because I was wrong.

M: What about one that never made it off your drawing board?
N: Ooooooooh.  There were a lot of crazy failed ones.  I was working on a blue velvet cake, but it ended up turning everything blue.  Everything.

M: Elaine, same questions.
E: Too much pressure!  Go to Jared!

M: Okay, Jared, same questions.
N: Yeah, I want to hear what you favorite dessert of mine is.

J: I don’t really care for Nate’s desserts.

(Everyone laughs)

J: But seriously, my favorites of his at Blue Water were always the specials involving fruit, his brioche especially.  When I go out I usually end up getting something fruit based.  I like chocolate, but I love cobblers and the like.  Stuff like my mom would do.

E: Okay, I’m ready. My favorite of Nate’s is his French Macarons, the galettes and anything he makes in parfait form.   When we go out I’ll always try whatever isn’t chocolate.  It’s so funny, because every time we’ve gone out to eat somewhere new we always ask our server “What would you suggest?”  They always, ALWAYS suggest the chocolate tart or the molten cake or some other “must have” signature chocolate dessert.  I usually just pick the next item down the menu.

M:  I’d ask what your favorite bread is, but we ALL know it’s my Pretzel Bread….right?
E: Duh!

N:  Haha!  You know it!

M:  So enough about you people.  Let’s talk about what everyone really cares about, the food.  What will you be offering?
E: We have a BIG focus on breakfast pastries, along with a light offering of lunch and dinner items. There will also be some soups and salads…some tartines (open faced sandwiches).  We also have a Fritz Pastry custom blended coffee as well as some favorite loose teas.

M: I noticed that most of the pastries are mostly classically French.  Does that come from your schooling, Nate, or is it just your favorite pastry country?
N: That’s my favorite.  Whenever I’ve thought of pastry it was that. It was hardly ever American apple pie.  It has always been European.

E: Nate definitely leans towards the French pastry, but I’ve seen him get pretty into panettone and springerle, too.

M: So you both know the delicious benefits of butter?
E: I’ve just recently discovered European butter.  Unreal and SO good.

N: Heck yeah. It’s awesome.

M: But you’re also not ignoring the large vegan population looking for their sweets fix.  Are you both vegans? Or are you vegetarian with a vegan baking twist?
E: Nate and I are both vegetarian.  Jared’s neither vegan nor vegetarian. I was vegan for years and that’s when I discovered how good AND bad vegan sweets could end up being. Somehow I learned how to make a tasty chocolate chip cookie that was also vegan, so I kept trying to bake egg and dairy free. We’ll have a small vegan section with our most successful recipes.

M: Elaine, I know you do a majority of the vegan baking.  Will that continue at Fritz?  Or have you passed the recipes onto Nate?
E: I’ll definitely help of course, but I’ve decided to finally let go of my secrets and pass the recipes on to Nate. Not that he needs them.  He’s been baking tons of tasty vegan goods for De.li.cious Café since they’ve opened.

M: You’re history is interesting.  You actually started as an online/mail order bakery.  Are deliveries and special orders going to continue?  Do you have plans to expand further?  World domination?
E: Yes, we will be offering a delivery service where we always encourage special orders. Eventually we’d like to have a place in New York, as well as one somewhere in California.

N: But right now, we’re really just focusing on this place.  We really want this place to work.

E: Yeah we’re really focusing on Chicago right now.  We can dream later.

M: I have a couple more questions, and I’ll let you guys get back to your baking magic.  Most importantly, what’s your music selection going to be like?  That always says a lot about a café.
N: I don’t know if we’re done arguing about that yet.

E: I would play the Monkees every second we were open if Nate and Jared would let me.

N: The monkees ARE geniuses.

M: You’ve really banded your friends together to get this place together before opening.  Want to use this space to thank them?
E: We think it would be funnier to list everyone who hasn’t pitched in!

N: An un-thank you list.

E: Just kidding!  Everyone in our lives has been beyond supportive, from our family, to our friends, to friends of friends.

M: And a couple rapid fire questions to get those out of the way.  I figure these are to be taken out of context for when you ultimately get too big and the media wants to take you down.  Favorite Chef?
N: Man, that’s not a quick answer!  That’s like asking someone what’s your favorite song.

M: “They’ll Need a Crane” by They Might Be Giants!

E: I KNEW it would be They Might Be Giants.  What about who your least favorite chef is?

J: So much hate!

E: Okay fine.  Joel Dennis, the Executive Chef of Ducasse’s Adour in New York

N: I’d say Lisa Mortimer.  I loved working for her at TRU.  She was super cool and she really knew how to lead.

J: Paul Kahan.  And I really like Avec.

M: Favorite Restaurant?
E: In Chicago? I’m a sucker for Ben Pao. Outside of Chicago? Red Bamboo in New York.  And my favorite pastry shop is still Tartine in San Francisco.

N: Coalfire on Grand.  Outside of Chicago the Balthazar in New York, because their pain au chocolat is soooooooo good,

M: Favorite cookbook everyone should own?
E: Eric Ripert’s On The Line or Michel Richard’s Happy in the Kitchen.  Both have some great photography.

J: Bachelor’s Pride Microwave Meals!

N: Ha ha! Ducasse’s Grand Livre de Cuisine by Frédéric Robert

M: Favorite Band?
J: I would actually have to say They Might Be Giants.

E: Descendents and Lagwagon

N: Armchair Martian

M: Last question, and one for each of you.  Nate , who would win in a fight between GI Joe and the Justice League?
N: G.I. Joe would win because they’re real American heroes!

M: But the superheroes have superpowers!  And G.I. Joe couldn’t shoot very straight.

N: Luckily, neither could C.O.B.R.A.

M: Elaine.  Who would win in a fight between the cast of 90210 and the Gilmore Girls?
E: Easy. The cast of the old 90210 would win a fistfight, but the cast of Gilmore Girls would win an argument of wit.

M: Jared.  Who would win in a battle between sasquatch and Bender from Futurama.

J: That’s an easy one…

M: BUT, it’s a robot sasquatch.

N: Oh snap!

J: I think between a robot sasquatch and Bender, I’d have to reference the Ultimate Robot League episode, and say it ultimately comes down to how much money is in it for Bender.

M: Nice answer!  Okay, that’s all I got.  Thanks for your time you guys, and good luck on the opening!

ALL: Thanks, Mike!

Fritz Pastry is located at 1408 W. Diversey Pkwy, Chicago, IL 60614.  The phone number is (773) 857-2989.  They will be open 7 a.m.-7 p.m. daily

You can also find Fritz Pastry on Facebook and Twitter.

Cheetos GIANT

I love Cheetos.  I’ve waxed poetic about them time and time and time again.  It is, without a doubt, my all time favorite snack food.  When I started seeing the commercials for the new GIANT Cheetos, I went on a search for them that envied my current search for Pepsi Throwback.  Well, at least I found the GIANT Cheetos.  Although, to be honest I should probably reserve the all-caps version of GIANT for when I find the GIANT Cheeto that Gizmodo was gifted with.  Or does that quantify GIANT-ASS CHEETO?  And is it weird that I still want to make way through that block of styrofoam-like corn substance?

Until that time, I’ll have to make do with silver dollar sized Cheetos instead.  Guess what?  They taste like Cheetos.  Well, to be fair, they taste more like Cheetos Cheese Puffs, with just a little more initial biting needed.

What makes them worth purchasing?  Well at 59 cents, they’re only 80 calories.  Sure 50% of those calories come from fat, but for a Cheetos-holic like myself, that’s still better than going through an entire bag of Cheetos in one sitting.  After the orange dust has settled, you still get your fix without the post-cheese guilt.  Unless you buy two or three or possibly four of these packages because you feel the 5 Cheetos they provide you is merely a tease for a bigger bag.  I’m happy to say I was not one of those people…this time.

I can’t say the GIANT-ASS CHEETO and it’s cheesy brethren will be so lucky if I find them.

Cranberry BBQ Pulled Pork

Yes.  You read that right.  Pulled pork.  No, I have not taken leave of my senses.  I am still soundly a vegetarian, but I wanted to do something special for Katie. Her destruction of the Pig Destroyer at Kuma’s Corner will attest to the fact she loves the pulled pork.

She’s eaten a mostly vegetarian lifestyle since we moved in together, not because I’ve forced her in any way, but because she feels bad having me cook food that I can’t also enjoy.  I explained to her that I love the act of cooking more than anything else; and I love making food that people enjoy, meatless or otherwise.

My idea for making her pulled pork came from my coworker Kristin who shared the below recipe with me.  I, of course, had to switch things up a little bit, mostly by adding the bacon salt, grill seasoning, and creating a Frankenstein’s Monster’s mix of BBQ sauce.  The recipe below is halved from the original, but that’s because my crockpot is of the small variety.  It was also of the FREE variety (Thanks, Jen!) so there’s no complaining on my part.

There are a few things I can say I didn’t remember about preparing meat, mostly that the feeling of a knife cutting into cold flesh is kinda gross.  But aside from that, and remembering not to put my uncooked, pig germ infested fingers in my mouth, it was a pretty smooth experience.  I told her that maybe next time I’d even make her ribs.  Yeah.  She’s a fan of the ribs, too.

And if I can recommend it, make the pretzel bread recipe as mini rolls for a nice little slider experience.  The vegetarians in your family can eat the BBQ Tofu Ribs recipe (I’ll be posting later this week) while you dine on pig flesh.  Add some french fries, break out the beer, and have yourself a mini picnic!

Cranberry BBQ Pulled Pork

• 2 pound pork shoulder roast
• 1 tbsp grill seasoning
• 1 large onions, sliced
• 1/2 cup hickory & brown sugar flavor bbq sauce
• 1/2 cup original flavor BBQ sauce
• 1 Tbsp Pepper Bacon Salt
• 1 cans (16oz) whole cranberry sauce
• Sandwich buns

1. Sprinkle roast with grill seasonings.   Enough to coat the top.  Set aside

2. In slow cooker arrange onion slices, top with roast

3. In a medium bowl combine bbq sauce and cranberry sauce.  Pour over roast.

4. Cover and cook on Low setting for 8-10 hours

5. Transfer roast to a cutting board. Tent with aluminum foil until cool enough to handle.  Using tongs, transfer onions to a serving bowl. Pull or shred roast into bite size pieces.

6. Using a wire mesh strainer, strain cooking juices in a medium bowl.  Serve meat on sandwich rolls. Serve with onions and cooking juices.

Late Night Doritos: A Pale Imitation

Having never really, truly had one of those nights that involved many bars followed by a devil need for something either, or preferably both, greasy and fatty, I can’t say I truly appreciate the late night food run to the biggest hole-in-the-wall in the area.

Hell, if I’m being completely honest, I’ve only been drunk once in my entire life.  Sure I’ve been warm and fuzzy, but there was only one instance way back in May of 2001 that I truly enjoyed wondering why I couldn’t stand up, or when I laid down when my body would stop rotating around my head.  I was trying to drink away the inevitable second opinion of my Multiple Sclerosis, but I learned I’d rather have a neurological disease than deal with the effects of alcohol.

I can appreciate good, cheap Mexican food though.  And these new Late Night Doritos chips may taste of a taco or a jalapeno popper, but they are a pale imitation to the real thing.  Where’s the fun of getting the taste of a jalapeno popper without the scars of a burnt tongue caused by the cream cheese napalm?  And very few things can replace the crunch of a fresh taco shell, followed by it falling apart on your plate.  They are integral experiences to the food!

Instead, what you get are Doritos covered in what tastes like generic taco meat seasoning or jalapeno dust with a slight hint of dairy.  If I had to choose between the two I’d recommend the Late Night Tacos at Midnight over the Late Night Last Call Jalapeno Poppers for the singular reason that the Taco chips actually retain their taste.  After a handful of the popper chips my mouth adjusted to the pepper and I was left with the very average corn chip that is the base for all Doritos.  They’re not bad, and better than the fiascos that were Hamburger or Mountain Dew Doritos.

Although, maybe if I was drunk I’d enjoy them more.